Laugh it OFF

people fall
i fell
slipped, slide & fell
with face flat on the ground
no. correction,
with face flat on the muddy slimy ground
what did i do? what else could i do?
apart from laughing at myself histerically to disguise all signs of utter embarrassment, i got up, focused sight only on the shit covering my outfit, shut everyone out, and walked away to wash up.
The minute i got out of the toilet, all signs of tragedy had been erased. it was as if nothing had happened. ok fine so maybe ppl were being polite so they toned down on their gggles and snickers and stares.
but it was just another incident in addition to my list of most embarassing moments
just another mishap i thought would never happen to me in public
just another slip for the day.
On the way home from the site of tragedy,
i got to thinking
first, of how i was going to explain to my sis that she might never be able to understand the smell which stubbornly clings on to the left side of her kebaya
second, how god works in mysetrious ways to tell you "thou shall not laugh at others or thou shall fall face flat in mud" (oh did i not mention that my abdul and i were bitching and laughing our heads off at a particular someone prior to the falling tragedy? whoopss)
third, why falling & picking yourself up seems so simple at times...too simple perhaps

if you fall
literally
you pick yourself up and laugh
you'd say you were clumsy
they'd say it was an accident

if you fall
when you fail in doing something, in proving something, in achieving something
you stay down
you remain down
you'd say you never had the luck
they'd say you never tried hard enough

why does it become painfully difficult to face failure when you are dealing with the state of emotion? or ego..?
does the physical body heals faster than the emotional soul?
do pains you suffer or embrace vary the harder you fall?
do the scars disappear the quicker you forget?
does it linger forever to remind? to hinder? to question?
questionsquestionquestions
so many questions
too many questions

why is it that giving up becomes the only desirable option for failure?
why why why
why can't we just pick ourselves up and move on?
why the intense self-criticism and doubt when we find ourselves stuck? too far back or too far off?

and why is it easier to question these things with the mind when i know deep down my actions would freeze with inevitable fear and doubt.

i failed so many times
i fell too many times
i failed and it took me buckets of tears, enormous amounts of strength and comfort, endless amount of time just to take that tiny step, just to gain that little power, just to have that little faith.. and after all the effort, another fall would just wallow up all the lessons learnt and digest it into tiny dusts... disappearing into air, hiding from the wounded heart.
i fell and it took me a little giggle, few days of whinning bout it to friends and a hand to bring me up to stand on my feet again
to move on
to try again

i want to fall and be able to get up
i want to fail and learn to move on
i want to laugh it off
i cry and laugh it off later
i bruise and laugh it off later
i break and laugh it off later
i crawl on the roughest grounds and thickest mud and laugh it off later
i want to laugh off my pains
i need to laugh off my regrets