i forgot i had a blog.
ok, i lie.
im just plain lazy surprise surprise.
much has happened since my last post... i basically now have a little human being whom i can call my own!
The love that you have for your child is so great you find yourself at lost of words every time you just think about it. And although its only been 2 months since he came into our lives, it feels like i've known him forever.
That very first moment i held him in my arms (both of us shivering from shock, pain & excitement), and that very first look... is the moment when i truly experienced and understood joy, happiness and fear all at the same time.
i will admit here that, i did not cry after giving birth. all those images i head in my head of me crying while i kissed my son and greeted him with his first salam just did not happen. i was speechless. just so amazed at this tiny little fella who looked so calm and relaxed, oblivious to the fact that he has and will forever hold my heart.
so i've promised my son (since making a promise to myself last time around didn't work) that i will start blogging again. in hopes that one day he'll get a chance to read about all the things that makes me smile, laugh, cry and things that frustrates me as a mother. and when he does, i hope that it reminds him of the love and strength he has brought into our lives.
i love you with every beat of my heart, ahmad ibrahim :)
i knew someone,
who at the funeral of her husband, turned to me and said i have lost everyone, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.. but nothing can compare to the pain of losing your partner... you lose yourself.
i remember not being able to swallow her statement, or why she said it to me of all people..
but i understand now.
as i feel him sleep next to me
as i hear him breathe next to me
as i see him live next to me
i can never imagine the thought of not having him around me.
when i lost both my parents, i thought nothing or no one could ever break me the same way as 13 years ago. nothing could be as hard and as unforgiving.
but i realize, again, how foolish and ignorant i am.
at the risk of sounding so bitter and pessimistic...
now begins the process of gathering my strength and tears.. i will hold it still, i will keep it tight.
till comes the time, when you return to your rightful place, to our maker.
i will feel you sleep next to me
i will hear you breathe next to me
i will see you live next to me
and i will be content, complete.
i am not ashamed to admit that i'm a sucker for malay movies, novels and songs (yes, i am very jiwang like that, i think the best emo songs are malay songs)
i have friends and know of people who loves to make fun at malay movies and novels at every chance they get and i don't blame them sometimes. its sad to know that there's no moderate slope when it comes to grading the quality of the malay art scene. basically, the good ones are awesome but few, and the bad ones are tons rolling around the space slightly below that piece of toilet paper you use to wipe your ass toilet seat with.
nevertheless, i never give up hope and think that there are so many talented malay writer, singer, actor etc that are just not given enough chance to show the world what they've really got. the ones who do manage to have some kind of presence is sadly not appreciated enough, till they too somehow fade and vanish into the polluted KL air.
that is why, i have decided that for the next 5 months, apart from reading the Quran (so my baby WILLNOT turn out as stubborn and bitter as me :( ) i've also decided to read tons of malay novels from great malay novelists that i know such as Ahadiat Akashah (so my baby will learn from a very young age, the beauty of our malay language).
I know, i know.. but please don't judge a book by its cover.. in this case, both metaphorically & literally
i remember growing up listening to my mak read her poems and short stories. i remember how she always made sure my BM karangan was always a kick-ass piece. i remember her reciting the syair when bored. i remember her buying me my first ever malay novel.
i remember falling in love with the language.
i remember once when i was in melbourne, while helping a friend puke her guts out in the toilet of a dodgy pub, she was cursing and screaming "pantat babi la. mabuk douhhh" and i shouted back "memang la u mabuk, perangai macam haram. tak ke menyusahkan i skrang? busuk douh!"
these australian girls, after fixing their push-ups and g-strings, turned at us and said:
"omg, where are you guys from? you sound so cute! its like the sweetest language ever!"
at that moment, i remember how it made me feel so proud of my language. that even the most foul and disgusting of words (the kinds your mothers and grandmothers would tenyeh cili over your mouth for) can sound so sweet and beautiful to a stranger's ears.
i think that's magic.
and it's this very magic, that i want my baby to be able to have
and be proud of.
so i didn't get to find out what i've been wanting to know for quite sometime.
guess its fate
abdul says its coz i've been telling everyone ill know today.. so god probably thinks ill make too big of a deal if it doesn't turn out the way i want it to... sheesh
i think it's a sign that i shouldn't start shopping for stuff just yet..
i hate surprises.
but i guess this is all worth it.
on the next visit maybe..
see you in a month's time.
miss looking at u already!
with your feet in the air and your head on the ground woooo try this trick & spin it yeahhhh your life will collapse and there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself... where is my mind? oooo where is my mind?