when the time comes

i knew someone,
who at the funeral of her husband, turned to me and said i have lost everyone, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.. but nothing can compare to the pain of losing your partner... you lose yourself.

i remember not being able to swallow her statement, or why she said it to me of all people..

but i understand now.

as i feel him sleep next to me
as i hear him breathe next to me
as i see him live next to me

i can never imagine the thought of not having him around me.

when i lost both my parents, i thought nothing or no one could ever break me the same way as 13 years ago. nothing could be as hard and as unforgiving.

but i realize, again, how foolish and ignorant i am.

at the risk of sounding so bitter and pessimistic...
now begins the process of gathering my strength and tears.. i will hold it still, i will keep it tight.
till comes the time, when you return to your rightful place, to our maker.

until then,

i will feel you sleep next to me
i will hear you breathe next to me
i will see you live next to me
and i will be content, complete.

i love you completely alil :)