Gusaran

another promise

2011-11-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

i'm getting this close to getting it outta my system.
then i'll write about it.
promise.
i'll deal with it eventually.

just not now.

Tsk

2011-11-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

Omg.
Why was i so bitter & super emo before?!
Tsk tsk

and so a boy stole my heart..

2011-05-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

wow.
i forgot i had a blog.
ok, i lie.
im just plain lazy surprise surprise.
much has happened since my last post... i basically now have a little human being whom i can call my own!
The love that you have for your child is so great you find yourself at lost of words every time you just think about it. And although its only been 2 months since he came into our lives, it feels like i've known him forever.

That very first moment i held him in my arms (both of us shivering from shock, pain & excitement), and that very first look... is the moment when i truly experienced and understood joy, happiness and fear all at the same time.

i will admit here that, i did not cry after giving birth. all those images i head in my head of me crying while i kissed my son and greeted him with his first salam just did not happen. i was speechless. just so amazed at this tiny little fella who looked so calm and relaxed, oblivious to the fact that he has and will forever hold my heart.

so i've promised my son (since making a promise to myself last time around didn't work) that i will start blogging again. in hopes that one day he'll get a chance to read about all the things that makes me smile, laugh, cry and things that frustrates me as a mother. and when he does, i hope that it reminds him of the love and strength he has brought into our lives.

i love you with every beat of my heart, ahmad ibrahim :)

to tumblr or not to tumblr me

2010-11-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

i'm so the ketinggalan zaman.
it took my niece a good 25 minutes to explain to me what TUMBLR was all about
now that i'm up to speed with it all...

i've decided to do all the trash talking re people's advise to me on pregnancy at another BLOGSPOT and not Tumblr because im ~~so dumb & slow~~ just stubborn like that

http://bump-and-all.blogspot.com

follow me! or add me or whatever u smart-ass high tech cyber savvy ppl call it!

when the time comes

2010-09-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

i knew someone,
who at the funeral of her husband, turned to me and said i have lost everyone, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.. but nothing can compare to the pain of losing your partner... you lose yourself.

i remember not being able to swallow her statement, or why she said it to me of all people..

but i understand now.

as i feel him sleep next to me
as i hear him breathe next to me
as i see him live next to me

i can never imagine the thought of not having him around me.

when i lost both my parents, i thought nothing or no one could ever break me the same way as 13 years ago. nothing could be as hard and as unforgiving.

but i realize, again, how foolish and ignorant i am.

at the risk of sounding so bitter and pessimistic...
now begins the process of gathering my strength and tears.. i will hold it still, i will keep it tight.
till comes the time, when you return to your rightful place, to our maker.

until then,

i will feel you sleep next to me
i will hear you breathe next to me
i will see you live next to me
and i will be content, complete.

i love you completely alil :)

magis

2010-09-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

i am not ashamed to admit that i'm a sucker for malay movies, novels and songs (yes, i am very jiwang like that, i think the best emo songs are malay songs)

i have friends and know of people who loves to make fun at malay movies and novels at every chance they get and i don't blame them sometimes. its sad to know that there's no moderate slope when it comes to grading the quality of the malay art scene. basically, the good ones are awesome but few, and the bad ones are tons rolling around the space slightly below that piece of toilet paper you use to wipe your ~~ass~~ toilet seat with.

nevertheless, i never give up hope and think that there are so many talented malay writer, singer, actor etc that are just not given enough chance to show the world what they've really got. the ones who do manage to have some kind of presence is sadly not appreciated enough, till they too somehow fade and vanish into the polluted KL air.

that is why, i have decided that for the next 5 months, apart from reading the Quran (so my baby WILL NOT turn out as stubborn and bitter as me :( ) i've also decided to read tons of malay novels from great malay novelists that i know such as Ahadiat Akashah (so my baby will learn from a very young age, the beauty of our malay language).

I know, i know.. but please don't judge a book by its cover.. in this case, both metaphorically & literally

i remember growing up listening to my mak read her poems and short stories. i remember how she always made sure my BM karangan was always a kick-ass piece. i remember her reciting the syair when bored. i remember her buying me my first ever malay novel.

i remember falling in love with the language.

i remember once when i was in melbourne, while helping a friend puke her guts out in the toilet of a dodgy pub, she was cursing and screaming "pantat babi la. mabuk douhhh" and i shouted back "memang la u mabuk, perangai macam haram. tak ke menyusahkan i skrang? busuk douh!"

these australian girls, after fixing their push-ups and g-strings, turned at us and said:

"omg, where are you guys from? you sound so cute! its like the sweetest language ever!"

at that moment, i remember how it made me feel so proud of my language. that even the most foul and disgusting of words (the kinds your mothers and grandmothers would tenyeh cili over your mouth for) can sound so sweet and beautiful to a stranger's ears.

i think that's magic.

and it's this very magic, that i want my baby to be able to have
and learn
and be proud of.

guess what?

2010-09-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

ok
so i didn't get to find out what i've been wanting to know for quite sometime.
guess its fate
abdul says its coz i've been telling everyone ill know today.. so god probably thinks ill make too big of a deal if it doesn't turn out the way i want it to... sheesh
i think it's a sign that i shouldn't start shopping for stuff just yet..
i hate surprises.
but i guess this is all worth it.
on the next visit maybe..
till then,
see you in a month's time.
miss looking at u already!

never ending love from me to my little one.

me and my behind

2010-09-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

wow
its been very long.
the time of absence also reflects on how long i've been sitting on my ~~non-existent~~ flat ass, doing well, pretty much nothing.
it's amazing how this is possible right?
is it possible for one person just sit around and be completely useless? guess that counts me as being pretty much... special?
or not
whatever it is, i will start being normal (in other words productive) and start writing again.
regardless if its just some daily bitter complaints or utter useless rubbish.
i will start to write again.
starting tomorrow.

till then,
back to the sitting on that sad excuse for an ass i go
weeeeeeeeeeee!

it's funny, this sanity

2010-06-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

"somehow everything i own
smells like you"
-snow patrol-

maybe its because every single day,
more than anything
i'm turning into you
be it nature
be it mind games i play on myself
i find everything i see, do or even taste... somehow reminds me of you
i hate this feeling, of missing.
i used to be so scared that time would make me forget, like somehow each passing day would peel pieces of you from my memories... bit by bit .. till i have nothing left to remember you by.
but why did i ever doubt god's power?
nothing can ever erase the memory of blood.
and so for the millionth time
i let myself be weak
i break my promise to never show my desires
im missing you... again
but more than anything
i long for you to be here
again

no, it's not ok. i lost my mak. and it will always hurt.

everyone is born a liar

2010-05-06T01:52:00.000-07:00

its true what my brother says.
people will cheat you.
left right and centre.
and all the talks and thoughts of me being big enough to handle the liars of the world is yes, one big lie.
i'd like to think that i can handle this situation calm and rationally but the fact remains that i am a woman.
letting my emotion rule is my forte.
if it was up to me, i'd be having your head as soup for dinner.
but i'm a muslim
i don't eat pigs.
so you're safe, for now....
thank you abdul for being the hand that pushes me down. literally
and my abang who, like it or not, is always right.
pfffffttttttttt.
i guess everyone is born a liar.
or a talam, as what my friends call it.
the usual back stabbing of the girlfriends and the ass kissing to the client.
i can't keep this up any longer.
if this is what it takes for you to maintain your lifestyle then you're in big trouble.

"hidup di kl, taste kena tinggi"

but you weren't born in kl. you've only just lived here a couple of years. so what are you talking about? classic.
classic piece of shit.

nada

2010-03-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

why does it feel like the harder i try the further u push away?
thought in this day and age these bullshit games no longer apply.

are we stuck in some timeless hole?

quit stalling and grow up.
please.

to turkey or not to turkey?

2010-03-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

went to Matta fair yesterday.
gatal and asked about their packages to Turkey.
had to have the unfortunate luck of meeting a wonderful travel agent who convinced us the minute he swept his long re-bonded hair back.
was told the price of the package.
everything stood still for about 2 minutes.
snapped back to reality.
and have yet to make a decision.
oh turkish baths.... sigh...

Bosphorus, Istanbul- the package includes staying her for a night.

*siapa cetak duit? i need some cash. like now. thank you.

baby blues

2010-03-12T04:55:00.000-08:00

i'm a 27 year old wife who wishes she can have a baby without having to go through all the stretch marks, fatigues, weird cravings and emotional roller-coasters.

at my age, my nenek was married twice and after 2 miscarriages had a daughter.
at my age, my mom had 3 kids and was already praying for a pair of twins the next time round.
at my age, my sister had 3 kids and was living with 3 other siblings who might as well just be the same age as her own kids.

at 27, i'm starting to look in the mirror and wonder how awesome it would be to have my boobs growing bigger a part of abdul and i curled-up in my belly.

the first few months of marriage was all about "oh no, we're gonna take our own sweet time and enjoy the life of a newly married couple. do it whole night long for the next few years. babies? no way."

but then suddenly something hit me.
do i really want to wait?
i don't want to rush into things and regret it later.
but is time running out?
what is that bloody sound? who's bloody clock is ticking so loudly??

how late is too late?
went to japan recently and saw super young moms pushing their prams in groups of 3-4 looking like they can burn whoever who passes them with their hotness. apparently its the trend these days in japan where you either marry really young, make babies or go out on a wild night, make babies. whatever it is, it's simply hip for the japanese girls to have a baby and a super kawaii stroller to push around in their early 20's. but these are the japanese we're talking about. if they can live with the likes of Godzilla & Ultraman roaming around in their cities, then nothing is impossible for them.

Hollywood actresses have babies at 40 and can still manage to look like they ordered them online and got em couriered over when ready. a part from the fact that they have gazillion dollars to spend on beauty products and high-tech post-delivery treatments, i'm sure they're all descendent of super woman herself.

and because the only super power i'd like to think i possess is the ability to shop and not drop, do i really have what it takes to get knocked-up so soon?

but let's assume that i do. Then:

1) will i have time to spend my sunday afternoons of teh ice with the girls?
2) would i still have time to figure out what to wear and put on my make-up before i leave the house?
3) will my boobs REALLY grow and maintain that size after?!?
4) would i still be able to watch DVDs with abdul the whole day without having to think of anything else to do?
5) can i still whine and cry just to get things my way?
6) will i still be the baby in the family?
7) will i still be the only one to have abdul's attention?
8) will abdul & i still get to make spontaneous decisions to travel to places like india & cambodia?
9) can i make sure my child is safe at all times?
10) can i make sure my child will be happy with his/her life?

i'm 27 and still can't make any solid decisions.
figures.

*is this how a future parent behaves?

kaputt

2009-12-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

somehow my yahoo account got terminated as if arnold stepped out of the terminator movie and killed it.

so if you are looking to find a blog with pictures on it, i'm afraid it no longer exists.

as of now, the term photographer no longer exists in my diary dictionary.

this is now a personal blog.

please re-type a different address if you are looking for a photoblog.

thanx

events which don't have to make sense

2009-12-09T00:16:00.000-08:00

so much has happened over the weekend.
i don't like it.
coz it means i have to grow up just a little bit more.
laugh a little bit more
fight a little bit more
scream a little bit more
and cry like my world is coming to an end.... again

so here's the breakdown:

event#1
-went to muar for a friend's wedding

-arrived a day early so abdul and myself could "relax"

-the plan obviously didn't work when i found out we had to share our room with em disgusting pigeons (okla they were outside, but i don't appreciate them always peeking at the window.. i swear they know i ~~want them to die~~ hate em feathers)

-stuffed our faces with food because that's what abdul and i do. we stuff our faces with food

-walked around and realise malaysians should really appreciate towns like muar. it's so pretty with it's laid-back and calm scene and the oh so tragically old but beautiful colonial buildings. we were saying how singaporeans would have revamped the area in mere seconds making it a tourist attraction but malaysians choose to leave it as it is: a rotting legend, which once was a proud & beautiful hero. tsk

-went to 7E to buy more food to stuff our faces with before heading back to the hotel to get some begin stuffing of face round#2

-next day, the morning was kind of a blur, with all the getting ready and the helping of the friend wearing her tudung (which i sucked at. another friend said to me: apa ni? u pakai tudung dia macam pakai pampers!)

-the food at the wedding was excellent, as how any food at kampung weddings should be. tummy bliss i call it.

-then we all decided to ditch the plan of going back kl early so we can lepak at the town again.

-went crazy for olskool casio watches and made some old chinese uncle happy by literally buying all their old collections.

-ended the day buy ~~making love to~~ devouring satay paru. i've never felt this way for a type of food. sighhh.

*Pics which didn't make the cut for FB:

-drove back to kl at round 9pm to be dragged into the next event.

event #2

-this event is another blur. but few things remained in my head.

- as i was sitting at a mamak at 1 am drinking teh o ice alone like a pathetic loser i realise:

1) how can i be positive when the minute i open my mouth to say something you say it's wrong?

2) how can you tell me that it's wrong then very quickly say it's my life so it's my choice if i want to ruin it?

3) why do you care about what i'm thinking but then diss every single opinion that i have?

4) why are you so easily swayed by what people tell you and then turn around and say i'm too big headed to accept other people's opinions?

5) why am i still here, still caring, still making an effort, still believing, still trying to think POSITIVE bout all this

guess what? it's because i love you.
surprise surprise.
you may not believe it, but i think love does conquer all.
and if it is a recipe for disaster.. then i believe that if a disaster is meant to happen, it will.. no matter what the recipe is.

-so i went home and went to bed wreaking with the smell of sweat, tears and 12 hours of unwashed foundation.

so here i am, few days and 2 pimples later trying to make a decision.
should i believe in love or not?
and i know no one has the answer to that.

Useless facT:
i just witnessed my cats being terrorized by a cockroach. HELP

oh ermm gee

2009-12-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

you know you're jaded with life when :

1) you look at strangers passing you by and you cringe.. for no apparent reason.

2) when you walk, it's like a marathon.. you walk super fast without really knowing where you're headed to

3) you have a life partner who loves you to bits and you're thinking to yourself... "so?"

4) your niece just turned 12, got her period and are growing boobs.. you tell her don't talk bout the boobs, or you'll scare em and it might just stop growing.. like yours did.

5) you go to the movies with your partner, and don't mind seating separately rather than watch another movie.

6) you buy tons of new clothes and accessories but end up wearing the same bloody thing coz you don't want to look too "dressed-up and ppl might think you're weird"

7) you eat, sleep, watch tv, eat some more but still feel so tired

8) you don't want to meet certain people coz you just don't want to make the effort to laugh, smile or open your mouth even. you just want to sit there and stare at each other.

9) you think bout the possibility of having kids, then change your mind, then wish you would be making babies, then regret wishing it.... all in the span of 2 mins.

10) you scream at your cat for leaving fur all over your bed.. but he just looks at you and continues licking his fury balls.

sunday, i love you

2009-11-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

after a long hiatus due to conflicting schedules i finally met-up with my sunday girls for the weekly updates.
and as usual, reports that were brought to the blue plastic mamak table was them of
-heart breaks
- work
-gossip on that someone we all mutually hate just because one of us hates her/him
-heart breaks
-the men in our lives
-heart breaks and
-the adding of UHU glue to the tiny pieces of flesh and veins that once was called our hearts.

its comforting that after years and years of the same topic being reviewed by the same people never gets dull or predictable.or maybe, that very routine is what makes it so comforting. the fact that we can all tell each other the same story, still manage to smudge our eyeliners with the same pitiful tears, still curse that one person who probably has forgotten how we even look like, still laugh bout the silliest of things.

i am so grateful to have these kind of friends, because let's face it, everyone can call themselves a friend.. but its the ones that stand back and watch your from far.. just making sure you're alright until you need them.. is the one you know is really worth your time. who is worth everything in your life.
there's no explaining why.
they just are.

thank you for being in my life guys.
amy whinehouse sang "love is a losing game".... but i dont mind losing when i'm with all of you.

love you all

sekejap saja

2009-11-16T04:15:00.000-08:00

untuk sejenak saja
aku ingin beradu renungan dengan mu
ingin jari jemariku perkosa setiap ceruk tubuhmu
ingin mendengar kesat suaramu
ingin beruntum pada degupan hati gusarmu
untuk sekejap saja
mataku ingin rabun oleh cahaya sukmamu
mindaku ingin hanyut dalam anganmu
semangatku ingin patah oleh nafsumu
jasadku rebah dalam genggamanmu
untuk sebentar saja
aku biar hatiku dirobek angkuhmu
ku biar jiwaku sesat dengan pedoman batinmu
ku biar naluriku meronta oleh kucupanmu
untuk sejenak saja
aku hambamu
untuk selamanya
kau milikku

Night of a thousand months

2009-09-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

raya is 8 days away and i got my period today
what luck.
just when we reach the most epitome time of the ramadhan month
im not in a pure state.
this may very well be god's way of saying if you are still around for next year's ramadhan... try to be more ikhlas and just maybe you'll get to enjoy what has been promised
:(
i will try harder next year
that is... if ill still be around... ark!

Useless Tip of The Day:
- if you are hit by the PMS wave, do not drag your husband along into the storm.. instead, drag your cat.. who is too fat to run away or fight back.

mata hitam mu

2009-09-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

like always,
i find myself in an argument which i am certain i will win in.
why?
why do i always feel the need to win an argument?... (i ask myself after few hours of sulking and getting bored of it)
what does it prove?
what and who am i trying to prove it to?
because it seems that most of the time i only argue with people whom i know will eventually let me win.. either by giving up trying to set things straight with me.. or just by walking off..
and this is my idea of winning?
when the opponent backs out?
what does that make me?
but i guess the most important question here is why am i only thinking this and not doing anything about it?
so many questions..over and over again i ask so many questions in my life and yet never seem to have the guts to find it.. or worse, accept it..

acknowledging your flaws is one thing, but to actually change it is another..

so what is stopping me from becoming a better person that I KNOW i can be?
fear?
am i a coward?
stubborn?
or just to plain dumb to admit that being this way brings me nowhere

i argued because at the beginning i knew for certain i was right
and to a certain extent i still am
and he knows it too
but our egos is killing this relationship
and yes, love is not enough
how long can our love keep patching up these scars that we intentionally carve on the arms of our bond?
im too chicken shit to tell you this in person so i'm relying on your faith in me to conclude this.
i'm selfish, i know..
but isnt this one of the traits u fell in love with in the first place?

they say love is blind...
i have your eyes in my back pocket... i'm just not ready to give them back to you
not yet..

mata hitam mu tak kenal rupa.. maka kau sekadar dipimpin cinta

i suck

Kerna tuhan lebih menyayanginya

2009-08-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

let's see..
after 12 years, 5 months and 17 days, i've learned that:

1) its never easy to loose someone, no matter how sudden, how expected, how long you've known them, how recent you've taken them into your life, how close, how familiar, how new or even how different you are from one another.

2) the moment of "i've had enough of crying" will never actually materialize.

3) just when you think you would break down, you will be exceptionally calm.

4) and so, just when you are at the most ease, the pain will break and you shake uncontrollably .

5) love really is the best cure for everything.

someone whom i regard as very very wise once told me, when god takes, god will also give..

and you are so lucky to also know this.
to also embrace this.
to be thankful for this.

and if anything, you know this is just a stop-over for all of us.. we'll catch-up with her soon enough.
in the mean time, we have this love to fall back on.

that itch in your brain you just can't scratch

2009-07-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

saat ini aku perlu
lupa
aku ingin
pupus
biar sementara
biar hanya untuk
seketika
asal hilang
lenyap

saat ini aku perlu
luput dari dunia

kerna kau masih tak berganjak

perlu lupa.aku perlu hapus. biar pun seketika

stranger in kayhell

2009-07-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

semalaman aku berjalan
kaki tak mencecah bumi
terapung
melayang
dibawa angin keji
mencerobohi lorong haram
bermandikan sungai nafsu
berteduh dibawah rimbun dengki
bergelak senda bersama lembaga
hitam
kelam
basah
kotor
debu hantu
aku semadi sendiri
semalaman aku menari
tarian penuh dosa ini
bergeseran bahu
berhentap pinggul
antara jin dan syaitan
bertopengkan kawan
menyerupai teman
semalaman aku menyayi
dengan nada yang nyaring
peluh bersemadi dengan lumpur
yang ku hirup
ku telan
biar berlaga dengan nadi jiwa ku
semalaman aku berjalan
meninjau ceruk biruk
simpang belok
luar dalam
tepi pinggir
lubang setan
yang aku kenal aku tahu aku mahu
aku tenang
didalam dunia baru
yang telah ku jadikan takdir celakaku

On a much much lighter note..

2009-05-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

i mustve been a very good girl in the past to have you holding my hand now :)

aku musnah
aku hancur
aku rebah
kerna mu
dengan mu
untuk mu
rela
kerna cinta itu bukan buta
tapi cinta itu kita

please dont change. i want to sleep in love like this as long as we're allowed to...

Mak

2009-05-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

yet another mother's day celebration
and along comes another post bout mothers
but most of all..
just another way for me to remind myself of my mom

i'm not afraid of
not having you to hold
not hearing your voice
not feeling your touch
i'm not afraid of
losing your love
not having your advices
not having you to guide me
i'm not afraid of
not being able to build new memories with you
not being able to feel the warmth on my skin as your perfume lingers after you've left
i'm not afraid
to cry
wishing you are here to watch me find my soulmate
to watch me become a better person
but i am afraid of this
and that is not being able to remember
how u used to smile
when i made you proud
when i say i love you
when i tell you that you are the best
and in fear
i close my eyes
i smile
i feel your pride
i feel your love
and its the best feeling i will ever have

i pray everyday that i will be the perfect mother for my child like you have been to me.
i pray that my child would love me more each day, even when i'm gone

i love you mak
i miss you
but most of all, i wish you are in peace
waiting
till we meet again

kaulah laguku, kaulah irama terindah.. tak lagi ku dengari.. -aizat-

Happy Mother's day to all mothers
somewhere, somehow, someone
is loving you deeply, missing you dearly, waiting for you patiently.

Go Girl

2009-05-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

Aku kagum
lentokkan tubuhmu
semangat jiwa mu
kau menari
kau menggoda
kau menyeru
Aku kagum
lampu-lampu berkelip pantas bagai memuja mu
alunan muzik radio patuh pada irama mu
pada pinggul mu
lentik jari-jemari mu
kelibat rambut mu
voosh voosh voosh
ia berkata
berhayun mengipas bontot mu
bagai iklan pentene
mata kau kenyit
sejuta lelaki mengepit kaki
Aku kagum
tubuh langsing
seiras barbie anak buah ku
kulit bersih
seperti kau sentiasa bermandikan susu
dada mu mencerobohi perasaan beribu wanita
ada yang cemburu ada yang benci ada yang ingin
kaki mu lurus panjang
bagai chopsticks
dipegang ketat
mudah saja hinggap pada bibir
Aku kagum
kau lelaki
meragut nafsu batin kaum jantina mu
kau kejelitaan beribu wanita
kau kelembutan ratusan gadis
kau berbentukkan seorang perempuan
tapi hakikatnya
kau jantan

Full circle

2009-03-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

it's never enough to just bitch about it to your friends.
you have to allow yourself to be consumed by it fully.. then release.
let it out of your system.

its been freaking 4 years.. so i guess its about time i release you
i leave you
i forget you

i was told you are miserable now
heart broken into tiny million pieces
then i saw proof of it for myself
i would never wish such hurt concerning the heart to anyone.. especially fellow females
yet
i am happy
i smile
you may not deserve such hurt
but i am happy now

and i deserve that

so im sorry

but you do deserve a little bit of this... because what goes around comes around

bitch

Hantu Kum-Kum

2009-03-07T02:28:00.000-08:00

You used to haunt me like crazynow you're back to kill me

slowly

poof

2009-03-02T23:30:00.000-08:00

sudah masanya kau hilang
hancur di rembat keadaan
sudah masanya kau musnah
cair koyak rabak oleh waktu
yang berlalu
sudah masanya kau luput
ditelan janji baru
sudah masanya kau hilang
dicalar suara kian bingar
mati mati mati
dengan kata ini aku mahu kau pergi
mati mati mati
aku lali
pening
cuba untuk hidup kembali
sudah masanya kau hilang
nyah kau dari sini
melayang
terbang
semadi dengan debu
di pusara rohani ku

5 is all i need

2009-03-02T02:27:00.000-08:00

There are 5 things i would like to say to you:

1) Fuck you
2) Get your own nickname
3) Its either you be a bitch and admit it or stop bitching. decide.
4) You jokes sux. Your stories bore me to death. sometimes i die and come alive when u shut up.
5) Find a way to go fuck yourself. seriously.

thank you

Life less ordinary

2009-02-16T02:02:00.000-08:00

i want to be my cats.

who chills whole day

and occasionally poses for the camera

thats the life..

Celebration

2009-02-11T07:25:00.000-08:00

my aboh used to say "don't ever expect anyone to return the good deed that you've done. when u do it, you do it right, you do it straight. you do it ikhlas."

as always, when my aboh went on his little "talks" i'd drift away into my on lala landof the latest barbie dolls and my little ponies.. not realising how hard his words would come back to bite me in the arse.. and how true they would be in my life.

i regret not having listened to more of what he used to say.
but im thankful that he was way too garang for me to forget those little "talks".

to some people in my life, who has their hands in my life, hands which are always there to push, pull, hold, and let go.. you will never know how grateful i am to have found you, as no words are great enough to sum up my appreciation and no wish is worthy to draw your sacrifice for me.

Recently i was at a wedding of a friend, and he was talking about celebrating family in his thank you speech. i thought it was so simple of him, and so beautiful of him... to know, understand and acknowledge that a celebration is not just for marriage, birthdays, promotion..etc... but also for life... as the people around you (your family namely) are the ones who give you life, teach you life, show you life, and go through life with you.

To that friend,
Thank you for reminding me to celebrate my family. to celebrate life.

To family, brothers, grandparents, cousins, uncles & aunties, friends, soul mate, mak, aboh..
thank you for constantly giving. and never asking for anything in return.

"don't ever expect anyone to return the good deed that you've done. when u do it, you do it right, you do it straight. you do it ikhlas. people might not balas. but allah always balas baik to orang yang buat baik"

you're right aboh.
you've always been.

kawan.teman.sahabat.

2009-01-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

Is there a secret universal rule of what a "good" friend should say or do?
is there an underlying code all friends should know of when it comes to being the "BFF"?
What makes this so-called friendship so true and precious?
does it take a lot of effort, time and commitment to sustain a great friendship?

to me, a true friend is someone who is already there before it all begins..and still lingers even when the party is over.

literally & metaphorically.

to those who shake their booties when the music is blarring
then bitch bout how their ass hurt when the music dies
is not a true friend.
she/he is just a guest
who'll pay for their portion of the bill..
or sometimes not

Of small talks & big outcomes..

2009-01-30T08:11:00.000-08:00

i'm not a big fan of karma
its not that i don't believe in it
i know it exists
i know that it bites you in the ass at the most inconvenient of times..
i know it exists
but i don't rely on it.
i believe in prayers
i believe in hope
i believe in trust
and i believe in love (i'm a girl, of course i do..)

and this love, that could have never tire, never fade, never be questioned makes me believe again, depend again, feel safe..once again.

i'm grounded now.
again.
i'm whole now.
again.
i'm me now.
finally.

i missed what we had what we shared what we laughed about what we cried about what we fought about what we argued about what we dreamed what we remembered what we hated what we tried to overcome what we lived what we promised.

and i know for the bigger part of it, i was the one who backed away.
maybe i was a coward
maybe i was being cautious
or maybe i was just learning..

whatever it is, i don't regret any of it.

because i went on my path.. which inevitably led me back to yours.

and now i've found my circle. complete. again.

i missed you.
and i hope you have missed me too.

this rubber-band bond you and i have, i hope will never break.. for without my circle, i will be lost. again
you have been, and will always be the one individual in my life that will matter the most.
either you may know it or not
wish to believe it or not
feel it or not
see it or not
you are
and will always be
blood is thicker than water.
blood is stronger than betrayal
this is our blood.
i love you.

p/s: went on a trip to Langkawi.. t'was tres jolie!

German Germs

2009-01-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Rubella anyone?

i googled it and this is what i got..

Rubella — commonly known as German measles or 3-day measles — is an infection that primarily affects the skin and lymph nodes.
(http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/skin/german_measles.html)

Its weird when i informed my friend's that abdul has the "rubella".. their reactions were all "hey, isn't tht like a female disease?"
seriously?
ppl?
ok i was confused too..
i remember walking around in primary school without my shirt under my pinafore coz we all had to get jabs.
the vision which stuck in my head was tht of tiny little girls lining up in the nurse's room to get their jabs, and the mean ones were making up stories bout how the needle will break if you're too thin coz it'll poke your bones.. i was thin..very thin..i was a skeleton kid.. and i remember freaking out.

anyway
so yea, i remember lots of little girls fidgeting around for the stupid rubella jab..

but apparently..it is NOT a female disease..anyone can get it..
and especially if you made up some excuse to the doctor bout already getting the jab a week earlier..like abdul cleverly did.. Rubella would bite back on your 26 year-old ass

Most rubella infections today appear in young, non-immunized adults rather than children.

Abdul panicked when i initially told him it could be allergies to food.
he panicked
then started screaming
and freaked out
all because he didn't wanna have to give up his lifestyle of "hentam saje, asal boleh telan..boleh jalan"
he calmed down when the doc said it was rubella..

the rubella rash can look like many other viral rashes. It appears as either pink or light red spots, which may merge to form evenly colored patches. The rash can itch and lasts up to 3 days. As the rash clears, the affected skin occasionally sheds in very fine flakes.

i have to deal with him and his blotchy itchy skin for the week.
yeay me.
not.

i'll sneak in a snap..and post a pic of his horrible rash soon

In my mind i threw up and ran away. Just in my mind

2009-01-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

i cried like crazy
mascara stains all over me
i cried like crazy
i was very sure i was about to puke
i cried like crazy
i couldn't breathe
i cried like crazy
i panicked
but u just looked at me
calmly
and that is why i want to spend the rest of my life with you

zorro bangsa

2008-12-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

for the ones who fight for what they believe in and continue to fight even when it seems like there's no hope.
who believes that no fight is left in vain.
for the ones who are still alive to continue the fight
for the ones who are still able to continue the fight

and for that ONE, who has gone but thought me the importance of continuing the fight.

aku askar bangsa
topengku ini semangat ku
gagah aku
matlamat ku
harapan ku
jati diri ku
jatuhnya aku
bangunnya lagi
bertopengkan ini
yang ku pegang
yang ku perjuang
walau maki hamun
asam garam
pahit pelat pekat
menemani jalan ku
lorong gelap
lubang sempit
ruang kotor
aku tetap bangun
tumbang tersungkur
aku tetap bangun
mendaki
bermimpi
hati sarat dengan keinginan
yang menang itu berakhir untuk semua
yang benar itu duduk pada semua
yang ikhlas itu luhur dalam semua
aku askar bangsa
topeng ini maruah ku
bahasa aku
sifat ku
cinta ku
janji aku
yang hitam itu mampu pudar
putih pada panji tak lagi bertitik dengan darah busuk
nanah binasa
dengki sinis keji najis
perang ku dengan
kau
dia
mereka semua
yang menghancur
meraung berguling dalam palsu
aku bukan wira dunia
aku askar bangsa
topengku ini suara ku
langkah aku
genggaman ku
deria ku
jiwa naluri minda aku
hanya untuk bangsa yang setia
aku askar bangsa
berkhidmat dengan rela

Tetamu ku, air mata

2008-11-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

air mata diundang lagi
datangnya tanpa malu
tanpa tahu segan
rela
setia
perit pedih
pantas deras
tidak endah dengan waktu
tak peduli pada tempat
tetap ia hadir
dengan pasti
aku tuan rumah
menyahut salamnya tetamu
walau pelik
walau kosong selesanya
pintu tetap aku buka
kerna hadirnya suatu yang biasa
air mata diundang lagi
masuk
duduk
baring
golek
di ruang tamu hati ku
yang usang tapi kukuh
kerna air mata hanya tetamu yang diundang
bila tiba masanya
pasti akan pulang

you see, we don't fight over the stupidest things. it's the same thing. just after time, it means everything to me but stupid to you.

i wan't you to go away

2008-11-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

fool
are u really who i think you are?
i guess it's true
no one knows me better than you

*i'm fucked*

am i that cool?
till you have to follow suit?
again and again
again
with the similarities
enough
it should stop here
so i licked up your leftovers
your rejects
is this you're gesture to prove
that we are
in fact
one?
if so, i rather die
if so, i rather be erased
completely
taken out of the picture
so we don't ever have to imagine crossing paths
stare at each other
and think
what the fuck?

as it is... *i'm fucked*

siapa punya siapa?

2008-11-10T00:46:00.000-08:00

aku menunggu kehadiran mu
dahagakan bunyi gerak langkah mu
imbasan bayangan mu
wajah mu sekadar melengkapkan segalanya
yang tecipta
yang terukir
yang bersemadi
di selubuk hati dia
selamanya
yang tak mungkin aku padamakan
biar ku gores pekat
tampal tebal
kesan mu ketara
di sudut memori dia
walau hakikatnya dia
aku yang punya
aku menunggu kehadiran mu
gelak suara mu
gerak badan mu
apa yang begitu istimewa
sehingga dia terpedaya
jatuh
dengan rela
cebisan hidup kamu
masih berdansa dalam otak dia
walaupun kini dia aku yang punya
aku menunggu kehadiran mu
kata-kata melepasi bibir
dan kau pun hadir
aku tersentak ke alam kejam pedih jujur benar
kau wanita
sungguh biasa
dan saat kau menoleh, senyum pada semua
kecuali aku
semestinya
aku tersentak ke alam suci ikhlas realiti
sesungguhnya dia aku yang punya
dan kau
wanita sedetik
cinta sejenak
kisah tiada penghujungnya
ikatan tiada ertinya
hanya masa silamnnya
dan dia aku yang punya
tapi kenapa aku
kerap kali tanpa henti, menunggu kehadiran mu lagi?

telapak

2008-11-05T01:10:00.000-08:00

telapak tangan ku gatal
aku garuk
krok krok bunyinya
aku garuk lagi
makin keras makin pantas makin ghairah
siapa sangka
bila bosan
sesuatu yang penuh asyik
memberi aku kepuasan yang memuncak
pelik
krok krok
telapak tangan aku ni sebenarnya bunting dengan nafsu
dengan rindu
dengan perlu
dengan mahu
hanya menunggu masa
sret sret
tangan panjang pada jam dinding aku berkata
krok krok jari-jemari ku menyapa
hanya menunggu masa
dan saat itulah
macam psychic
bagai magic
kau muncul dengan rela, membuka pintu rumahku
pelapap
tum tum tum
tangan pendek dan tangan panjang bermesra di atas satu sama
tanda satu jam yang baru
tum tum tum
pelapap
telapak tangan ku menjerit
pelapap
di atas pipimu ia hinggap

Kau

2008-10-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

aku benci kata-kata mu
mungkin aku ini bodoh
tak ku peduli
minda mu itu yang kotor
jiwa kosong
aku benci kata-kata mu
tangun mu dihayun
suara kau laung
apa kau fikir diri mu begitu gah?
hingga yang lain takut, diam
hilang beraninya untuk bingit
aku benci kata-kata mu
janji seribu janji
kononnya cara mu jauh berbeza
kau peluang
kau pejuang
kau alternatif
menagih pada mereka yang gusar
aku benci kata-kata mu
juga benci aku pada hamba hamba mu
yang egois, pessimis, extremis
suka akan kekecohan
pantang dengan kedamaian
apa gunanya berkepit paut pada falsafah mu
tanpa tahu erti sebenar
macam ayam berhimpun dalam reban
suara berkokok menyorak
bising lebih
gerak lebih
hasilnya hampeh
aku benci kata-kata mu
gaya mu
sifat mu
matlamat mu
aku benci segalanya
jangan kau bertopengkan keadilan mu
bila adil itu tidak lagi wujud dizaman ini
sudahlah kau pergunakan agama mu
bila nama tuhan hanya kau seru bila perlu
aku benci kamu
ikon bangsat
muncul demi menjahanamkan bangsa
semata untuk menakluki darjat
aku benci kamu
kau politik
kau alternatif
kau manupulatif

If you don't know much, it's best you shut-up

2008-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

my words are never good enough for you. let me staple my mouth so you can have a piece of mind.

i'm no good with words
instead i use my hands
i'm no good with words
but perhaps you'd like the way i dance
my friends say im funny
the way my eyes cross and sometimes simply the way my body sways
im no good with words
so im in no position to preach
im no good with words
i don't expect u to hear me
im no good with words
please don't come here and plead
don't tell me how your heart will bleed
or that you're broken into pieces
better yet,
please don't speak.
i'm no good with words
i know not of an apology
and of any type of comfort speech
my thoughts will come out wrong
my intentions will be wrong
so im really no good with words
don't bother me with your tragedy
im no good with words
no good with words at all
please cancel your call

of a pic & sleep

2008-10-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

i desperately need to sleep.
need to make myself want to sleep.
im too old for all this insomnia bullshit.

this is me posing like im asleep.
if i stay very still and look at it long enough i might.
i just might.

socks too late @ night

2008-10-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

this is how my friend's freaky socks looks like.
apparently shes got this habit of wearing socks when she sleeps.
i guess its not wrong.
with the condition of my hse being the breeding hut of dusts, insects and what nots.
i say shes being very clever covering up her toes.

still
does not change the fact that her socks are freaky scary.
looks like she skinned some flashy female dragon and place em on her feet
pfffttt.

while you're away

2008-10-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

while you're away sweating your shirts off with other guys
im missing you like mad
while you're away going round n round chasing after a stupid ball
im missing you like mad
while you're away probably making dirty comments and cursing using words of genital parts with ur dudes
im missing you like mad

and i know i can be a bitch
a mega bitch
sometimes
but i am madly in love with you.
and maybe thats why i go crazy sometimes
and for sure that's why im yours

and you're mine still

your patience is awesome

Anything = Happy

2008-10-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

its been soooo longggg.
i've been occupying my time being caught up in the most ridiculous and useless of things.
well not all.
but for the most part, i don't see how it has changed anything in my life.

regardless.

i found an interesting blog
by randomly stalking strangers from far off places
well not that far, this lady is from jakarta and she blogged about her eldest daughter leaving home for college.
it was so sweet to read bout how a mother whines about her daughter being so immature and irresponsible but despite all that feels like her world crashes just to let go the one thing that annoys her to bits.
and so it got me to thinking.
why do we get so angry and annoyed and so effing frustrated so easily with the person/thing you love the most?
simple
its because you love her/him/them/it the MOST
it not that they're great
its not that they're perfect
its not that they're cool

its because they are everything to you. and they are nothing but wonderful things in you.
then you have to fuck it up with your expectations.
we expect too much out of other ppl, not for one second stop to think if we are ever able to give just as much as we ask.

its coz we're just screwed-up that way.

my aboh once told me a story bout how god created man, and how as god was just about to blow life into the body, the man started twitching to get up, when his life was only half-filled in his body.

its coz we're impatient that way.
always wanting something so much without fully understanding it. what more experience it for ourselves.

this lady learnt to let go that day. because she understood it was the only way for her daughter to discover things that she is meant to discover.

and she didn't and probably would never know how her daughter would end up. but she hoped for her the only way a person could for their loved ones.

that is to be anything, as long as you're happy.

don't dwell in your sadness ppl.. time moves forward and brings us a new day.. without fail. so why waste those chances on useless tears. wake up, let go, be crazy, take a chance, start something, love again, reconnect, find yourself.

and try to stay happy!

*god its gonna be crazy hard for me but i must.try..to.stay.happy.*

some party people can be haters

2008-10-23T02:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes
when you blink
i want to bite your head-off

*they must be very happy now. and you are partying it up there with them*

KBT & me

2008-06-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

omylordivebeensolazyitsdisgustingandhumiliatingtomygenerationingeneral

now that ive gotten off my lazy ass to actually blog about my disease (of that being lazy- its a common disease and statistics say 78% of malaysian youths are born wh them. don't believe me? i don't really care) i wanna say that i love Darabif. yes. outta total randomness. I am in love wh the mofo.

they have this delicious little buggers called lamb glam burgers.
they're so glam and yum its crazy.
they're in hartamas and they do home delivery within hartamas & mont kiara areas.
which makes me a lucky lazy bitch.

i think sometimes the economy encourages you to be lazy. everything is delivered to your convenience. such bliss.

*stares into space*

i'm back. still stuck in OWC (go find out what tht is..how can u not know tho? so uncool)
its a sunday nite and the place is packed wh ppl who seem to think they're chilexing in their own living room.
don't you all have work tomorrow? so even if you dont.. can't you keep your voices down?
do you really think ppl wanna hear about how you saw your boyfriend wh his fat ex girlfriend again and how she was wearing the top u wanted but it looked so bad on her you felt a lil bit sorry and wished she didn't waste her money on it and in a way happy that she looked so bad coz now your bf would appreciate you more, what with you being hotter and all.

no i am not eavesdropping.
your actually screaming these things. put down your hand as if you don't want anyone to hear you.
you know what just stop talking.
yes i am staring.
coz you are that effing loud!

anyhooo

im stuck here.

coz abdul seems to think there's too much distraction at home for him to do work.
and i'm just too clingy to not follow him. sad i know.
so i'm here. unwillingly forced to listen to ppl's problems wh their relationships.

i ordered 3 rouunds of Kaya Butter Toasts which costs rm 1.80 each.
you get em for 40 cents in any kampung any time.
total rip-off.
but worth it la. cheaper than a litre of petrol today. unless you drink petrol. or by them cause you love the smell and get all calm n shit on em. if youre into tht kinda a thing.

abdul is in such a fowl mood. refused to let me snap his picture while hes doing work. camera pooper.

but i have my KBT. you're awesome. we have such great chemistry. i keep wanting more and more of you.

yummmm

Boxing issues

2008-05-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

i hate self pity

but i hate being weak even more

there's nothing i can do about it. which makes it worse.

went to brother's place who conveniently told me he got back from family's home overseas 2 weeks ago (thanx for telling me..now?!?)
told me he had few stuff packed, and shipped home. stuff he thought i should have. he thought i might like to keep for old times sake.

of course went to check them out.

you know the thing with old boxes being shipped home.. it's kinda like a bday present..you kinda know what you're getting but you're still excited anyway.

but my "present" was not expected.

opening-up those boxes was like inviting thunder storms & heavy showers.

There were pictures of course. garments which after years still clenches their smell. their favourite books and letters.

love letters.

from him to her. the 2 years he wrote to her. when they were thousands of miles apart. back in the days when express postage meant 10 days or more. he wrote to her. every single day.

i hate having to handle a whole lotta emotions at one time.

i hate crying even more.

i miss them so much. but there's nothing i can do about it.

i pray for you everyday. i think of you every second

Omar The Pyjama

2008-05-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

Omar (or currently known as Smelly Boy) & his pyjama

smile omar!
no acik by, it's smelly boy! heeeeeee

MandiMandi & the Lucky number 3

2008-05-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

3 freaking years.
and i tot i deserved some nice fine dining.
so fine dining he gave me.
thank you :)

the abdul brought me to MandiMandi

believe it or not.. we found out about it through... get this

NONA on TV3

So i'm a sucker for Nona, Melodi, Remaja and TV3's wut nots.. but trust me.. this is an amazing discovery..

beautiful landscape
good service
great food

and it's name is so comel

MandiMandi

Please be informed that there is strictly NO mandi-ing here, despite its name.

unless u book the whole plc, then i guess u can go all crazy n shit.

The food reminded me of my nenek's cooking and i couldn't help but curse at myself when i realised we had to pay freaking RM30 for a dish my nenek would've happily forced down my throat.

oh well, no use bitching bout it now.

It was nice la.. i dunno why im bitching.

we had...
something something prawns (compliments of the chef) & some crackers (free also :P)

Big-ass prawn tom yam

Pandan chicken

Rendang Tok & All time-fav cannot eat whout Kangkung Belacan

and....

Batu lesung as an ashtray! (wohooooooo)

big-ass one at that.. it was so freaking heavy.. if lepuk someone wh it confirm can die

I recommend MandiMandi kepada semuaaaa
coz its nice
and why do u need a better reason than that??

Love Lights

2008-05-02T02:12:00.000-07:00

zul discovered an amazing technique!

check-it out

totally DIY

and if Paris was reading this, she'd say... "THAT'S HOT"

hell yeah.

can you spot what i'm talking bout?

if ure a blur-ass..here's a close-up

can u see the lil love-lights??
it's a new DIY technique mr.Luey picked-up over the worldwideweb

u cut up any black paper (pref a hard one that stays still) the size of ur lense and cut-up any shape u like in the middle

zul pilih a heart shape coz he tengah erm.. jiwa kacau.

and so u get

LOVE LIGHTS!

sangat cool. kan?kan?

Ode to Eyelashes

2008-05-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

I mentioned i had my eyelash temporarily extended.
They're long and black and plastic and oh so dramatic.

Technically, it should last for bout a month. but im too much of the rough kind so one by one they fall.
it's only the 4th day.

thus, thought i should take pictures of em before they all flutter away.

and coz i'm just vain.

can u spot em? They're so fierce they can challenge any brurung Kasawari's. anytime.

*Burung Kasawari is a Phoenix. i think. like the one in Harry Potter. the one that turns to flames in the end.

Of parking spots, massive crowds and labour holidays

2008-05-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

It's a public holiday. and god save us.
despite Klang Valley having an "excellent" track-record for mega shopping stores each bigger & more bad-ass than the other.
you can never find a decent parking space.
round and round u go till you're about to throw up and u spot one just up front and u speed up and u (being a good citizen & denying all stigmas on female drivers), use ur indicators and curse out loud to the world..

and that stupid kancil parked all the way in.

smart. very smart.
i bet u think its fun to hide ur little car all the way in and give a very patient driver FALSE hopes. idiot. whoever u are. i hope u trip and chip a tooth.
i really do.

anyway
point is parking spaces triggers PMS symptoms when they're not supposed to.
and walking is difficult because malaysians can't walk straight. bumping into ppl is the way to go. straight is just rubbish.

abdul and i wanted to catch iron me. because its robert downey jr all sweaty and angry and u know, it's iron man. but of course, we couldnt get tix. of course of course. beratur sampai mati hidup semula pun belum tentu ull get a decent seat.

so we opted for pool and i won twice (it's my blog, so i'll lie if i want to) and few rounds of foosball where we both blamed the "bouncy sangat" ball.

It was supposed to be a day of lunch, movie and dinner for the both of us coz its been too long. but its a public holiday and who were we kidding.

in the end we lepak-ed at delicious, hogged the whole 5-person couch and stuffed ourselves silly.

extremely dry today & we kept getting thirsty. so we ordered as many drinks as we could just in case. yea, we often get greedy like that.

bloody mineral water costs 12 bucks. rasa macam air paip.
haih

Murder

2008-05-01T05:23:00.000-07:00

I just had an eyelash extention
and a freaking fag at 5 am burned it.
what does that say about me?

i should not be trusted with lighters...

i can't sleep and i felt a little commotion might just scare me enough to go to bed.
looks like killing fake lashes just wont do.

desperate times calls for desperate measures.

will drag out boredome by watching akademi fantasia 6.

if that doesn't work, then i have failed myself completely.

Chick with Pics

2008-05-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

why the past few months have been Yeay-worthy:

1. SUNBURST bebbeh!

2. Rintis's first ever sales booth

(the stick arm attacks)

Great sales, Great customers, Bootiful returns = Moolah

3. Celebrated my Birthday & mourned my quarter of a century

4. Test-drived my first ever Polaroid Cam (Zoule da man!)

And enjoying the Polaroid fever

Jangan pandang belakang (not the horror version)

2008-05-01T03:19:00.000-07:00

when is enough really enough?
some events in the past few months have made the obvious painfully more obvious/obvious-er or whatever the proper term for that is.. u catch my drift.
people only want what they can't get.
and i'm not blaming or pointing fingers here.
if anyone happens to bite on the chilli and burn his/her tongue than i guess it serves you right.
why do we let go of something perfect for us just to see if maybe oh maybe we can do better?
so ok, maybe you're a risk taker, maybe you feel that to be better is to let go of certain things. But what if you want to back-track and admit the regret.
what if you want to own up to the mistakes you've made?
what then?
it figures that you probably didnt think of that far or maybe convinced yourself that you would never doubt your actions.
the possibility that you might not like the results of your decision.
but who can blame you. we're only human.
that is why, (and i hope i'm right) that the moral of the story here is... to THINK before you ACT.
yes, whatever mistakes you make is yours, and yours alone and yes, it is your life and you can screw it up if you want to.. but make sure you dont blanket yourself in self-pity after.
my brother once told me that once you decide something, go for it and go all the way. what's the use in taking the big step and stopping half-way? why chicken out in the middle when you've conjured-up enough strength to take the leap in the first place?
so i guess, it's either suck it in, stop bitching and hang on to the little things that makes you happy, or jump.
as high, as deep, as far as you can.
and don't you ever look back.
why should you?
we're not god. we can't turn back time.
and i regret to remind everyone that no scientist has proven the theory of any time machine.
sorry to disappoint any sci-fi fanatics.
but as always, don't give up hope.
It's the morning of a brand new month.
Anything can happen.

Finish what you started

2008-02-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

what do you want?
i dunno
what do you feel like doing?
i dunno
do you think this is what you want?
i dont fucking know.
and there it is. the sad short sum to my life.
i dunno.
a statement so over-rated, so over used so over expected over everything.
i know a person who would say it's because i'm so used to having everything served to me on a platinum platter.
well screw you.
i may have a family who would give me everything because yes, they love me like that.
but that does not mean i don't appreciate life.
i would be struggling to kill myself right about now if i hate it that much.
so shut-up and run along.
but back to the problem, yes, i have no clue wutsoever what i want... still.
it's so sad and pathetic i feel like the expression was created with me in mind.
why is it so freaking difficult to know what you want?
i'm trying so hard to convince myself that i DO i DO know what i want.
i really do.
but i'm to chicken shit to do anything about it.
scared shitless of failure.
and i know, you must fail to learn blah blah blah
but it feels like i've always been stuck in a stagnant failure mode to ever make a 360 change. or is it 180?
Finish what you started.
he would say.
i can hear his voice just haunting me every second.
and it sux that hes right.
but hes always right.
and my big fat ego is just too much of an ego to admit it.
Finish what you started.
i will start. i will i will.
Follow your heart. he would say. In the end, there's no one else you can depend on but you, yourself.
I know. i would say
Follow your gut-feeling. go for it.
it's your future, your acheivements, your mistakes. it's yours. Live with it.
He would say. all that.
well i've just ended my job. just like that. woke up and quit. another quitter sticker in my sticker book.
but it's for the better.
my future will start NOW.
and i will not quit. ill go on even when some of them out there are throwing shit saying i wouldn't be able to make it, i won't survuve. go talk shit bout someone else for a change.
i will start. and i will finish it.
This is MY risk i must tackle.

it's a miracle

2008-02-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

i can't believe my blog still exists.
amazing.

on the 8th day of New Year

2008-01-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

its the 8th day of the new year
and already new year's resolutions are being thrown out the window
one by one.
sad but so predictable.
horoscope readings everywhere telling you that this year would be an excellent year for any new ventures and opportunities aplenty
what a bunch of bull
on the 1st day
a friend broke up and set himself free
on the 2nd day a minister admitted to having a sexual relationship with a "penjual bunga" and resulted in him stepping down from him post and becoming a "normal" person (what were u before this? god?)
on the 3rd day
2 hamsters died after 4 days of being adopted
on the 5th day
a friend's car got hit by another friend's car
on the same day, a bond was severely torn when an elder acted like a child by being ignorent (do u really think it'll have any affect on me after all these years?)
on the 6th day
the same friend broke up after being in the relationship for a day
on the 7th day
my house wires went on a trip fancy which left me sleeping in the hall with the mosquitos having a blast sucking up my blood.
and on the 8th day....
i'm bored shitless
new year's eve was however surprisingly fun, with friends laughing and abondoning all tension and worries just to usher in the new year with all the hope and faith imaginable..just to make another year, a little more bearable..that much better.
hopefully.
here's to 2008
may it be a much better year for everyone

Work bo-bo

2007-12-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

i feel like a secret agent with a very redundent mission.
im blogging @ work
which means im being very inefficient doing something very unproductive.
as always.
it took me a good 20 minutes to finally drag myself outta bed today.
10 minutes was spent contemplating calling in sick.
5 minutes spent thinking what to tell the doc to get an mc.
the other 5 was just spent staring into spcae.
they shouldn't have given us a lousy 1-day break for christmas.
work 1 day break 1 day then work again.
so hazardous to your sanity.
its like popping pills only to have yourself choke on em and do nothing but continue being miserable with your life.
and no i'm not bitter or anything
was just trying to be creatively metaphoric.
which i failed at i know i know.
vagina (pls pls do not be reading this) has decided that my name is now Babe.
after the initial what the fuck response
im kicking myself for having the stupid impulse to let it pass by
i just dont have the guts to say to her face my name is not fucking babe or fucking dude.
and no i am NOT your gal.
sheesh.
and i tried i really really tried to restarin from this but oh my bloody god why do u have my grandma's black table cloth on?
malaysia should have a "do not visually or audio torture your collegues poilicy"
its not wrong to put some thoughts in what is PROPER to wear to the offie.
its not
its really not
i hate you for giving me so much work today and making me regret not going with the i ate bad nasi lemak for breakfast excuse to the doc.
i wish i was at home on my bed instead of having to endure your evil evil black table cloth swishing and swooshing past me.
boooooooo

Rooftop havoc

2007-12-26T01:42:00.000-08:00

what happens when its christmas and you just don't have the Ho-Ho-Ho spirit?
you make full use of the secret hiding place you just found.
screw the cobbwebs and dust
screw the suicide attempt-like climb
screw the heat
you find an amazing way to twist and fold all your limbs and crawl through the little rat hole just to pose for some dumb-ass photos.

it beats bumming in front of tv.

Art Crush

2007-12-25T01:26:00.000-08:00

went to rantai art fest the other day.
fell in love.
wondered where i've been all these while. too busy bitching bout malaysia being dry from the art scene.
pffftt how ignorent.
and to be very honest.. main drive that pushed me to go was a little someone which i have a not so little crush on. heeee.
yes crush. yes. one of those omg i want to print his pictures and stick em up on my wall.
yesssss it is that big a crush.
and i'm not ashamed of admitting it.
coz he's cool. heeeeeeheeeee.

if you can spot him then you are very very smart.

sai did not take my warning and took candid shots of me. but i like this one anyway.

this was when we were on the way...my enthusiasm transmitted to zoule and sai. yes my crush IS that cool. huhuhu

if you hear of rantai art fest 2008. do not hesitate. apart from being able to catch my mega crush (hopefully he'll grace me wh his presence again), bask yourself in the whole mosh pit of malaysian youth's passion and sweat.
its sweet. try to trust me on this one..
and maybe keep a lookout on a possible art festival in gurney...tunggguuuuuuu

and i'm back...hopefully

2007-12-25T00:49:00.000-08:00

i've been lazy.
and too preoccupied with bumming to actually update my blog. get my life goals straight. and actually look decent for the society (in other words get-up for breakfast before tea-time & sleep before dawn)
but that's passed.
coz i've got myself a job. finally.
but have somehow totally lost all hope for a renewed social life.
anyhoooo
new year's eve this year falls on a monday.
how shit is that?
and i have to work coz i have no good enough excuse to take leave.
no. sleeping in front of tv at home is not a good enough excuse.
once a loser always a loser.
the leakage at home is getting worse and i can see all the parquet jutting out as if some kinda monster is hidden underneath it is trying to break free.
ala corpse bride.
called the contractor for like the 10th time and he kept on saying he does not remember who i am
(boss ah, it's me..the one who keeps calling and say you tak ingat i but boleh tolong fix leaking ah?
oh you ahh..tada ingat la. mau apa? saya takda buat leaking untuk you).
i did not know u actually need to know someone to offer your PAID service.
i will pay you. i swear.
the weirdly cutest thing happened the other day. Omar jr.monster decided to tunjuk perasaan because his Ibu went back to indonesia for good. He ran around my nenek's house butt naked for the whole 3 days. I'm talking sleep, eat, play and even during quiet time. totally naked. and proud of it. the only time he folded and decided to cover up was when we told him no one would let a little exhibitionist on the plane. revolutionist in the making he is.
sometimes i feel like giving him a bite. but hes big enough to run to his mama and tell on me. pfffttt.

meet my omar jr.monster.
soon to be promoted to a fully-fledged monster...depending on the master monsters' associations decision.
follow closely his older cousins and position is evidently secured.

such a slow lazy day.
can't imagine being in a cold country having to gather-up the strength to be joyous and happy celebrating christmas.
i've lost all spirit to be fun.
that's just plain sad.
but happy christmas to all. selamat hari natal. may those who are legally able to, enjoy their egg noggs silly.

Adoi

2007-10-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

is this what i pictured it to be?
but what was it that i pictured?
can it just be like an average digi-cam
snap-preview-save/delete?

Adoi
apa tu?
Jantung ku
apa jadi?
ntah, tetibe berdegup kencang
bergetar
tembus lalu bergolek di lantai
kenapa?
mungkin ada yang menyeru
mungkin badan mati semangat untuk menampung
bila?
bila kau cucuk kau kisar kau cantumkan dan kau cincang kembali
iya?
ya
tak sangka
aku pun juga
adoi
apa tu?
Jantung ku
apa jadi lagi?
ntah, tetibe melompat menusuk
berdentum, berdegup kembali
kenapa?
munkin badan ku hangat seperti asli
tak pun minda ku ingin lupa yang kelmarin
jadi kau pulih?
tak
tak?
tak
aku cinta lagi
bodohnya
iya
tapi perlu

L.O.V.E

2007-10-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

when u look like shit
when u feel like shit
when the kid across the table sounds and acts like a smart-ass
and its pissing you off
when your body is in a riot and making you feel like puking every few seconds
when you smell like tofu gone bad
when you're restless coz nothing you decide on lately has turned out the least bit satisfactory
when you've cried for a good 2-hours non-stop
when you are bullshitting your way out of an argument with full knowledge of sounding stupid
when you sulk
when you say 'i hate you'
when you say 'i'm done'
when you think you've finally given up
and
he starts singing

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

even when its all off-beat
even when you start to cringe a little when he mixes up the key
you know it's good
it's all good

it's just one of those days im feeling very loovveeeddd :)

Raya raya

2007-10-17T00:41:00.000-07:00

after 23 years of raya-ing in terengganu for a week (the least), no one could blame me for itching to be back in kl on the 3rd day raya.
i was beyond excited.
beyond thrilled.
beyond ecstatic
i was an annoying girl jumping up and down with curiosity.
so i salam-ed my nenek goodbye with no feeling of guilt as i drove away and watch her sit solemnly by the door probably cursing me for leaving her behind with the endless number of relatives (who seem to grow in number and pop outta nowhere with the years).
altho the bummer in me has carefully trained my body and mind to hate early mornings, there was no stopping me from getting on the plane. not even the 30 mins drive to the airport plus the 50 mins flight to klia plus the 10 mins walk to ERL plus the 15 mins wait for the ERL plus the 28 mins ride to klSentral plus the 15 mins wait for abdul to come pick me and finally the 20 mins drive back home.
nothing.
nothing.
and that was exactly what i got.
back in kl... there was nothing.
it was like any other weekend.
my friends were out shopping, my sister was watching tv, my brother was lepaking with his friends, my nieces and nephews were swimming, and abdul just got outta bed.
where were the giant plastic ketupast?
the fairy lights?
the annoyingly familiar sharifah aini's raya song?
where? where?
i was so busy asking everyone why that i forgot to be disappointed
i couldnt find the strength to be angry
i was pissed at myself for giving up my few more days of stuffing face with my nenek's nasi minyak and satay.

abdul got tired of my bitchin bout kl being a horrible place to raya (he having to do so for the last 24 years).
he finally got me to shut up by saying that this is just the way it is. there's nothing wrong with the way KL-ites celebrate their raya. it's just that my whole life ive done it a certain way, and i just cant or too stubborn to accept raya being any other way.
if he's right
and i have an annoying feeling that he might be
then i guess some things are best the way it is
chages are good. but not for everything. not always.
and especially not my raya.
i like it just the way it is.

if true what abdul says, that KL only celebrates raya a week after raya itself, when everyone comes back from their respectives kampung and have open houses..maybe i wont be so bitter.
but until then... im very bitter.
might just screw plans of asb-ing my duit raya and go get some pretty eye-shadow instead.
maybe then id be lil less bitter.
huhuhuhuhu

Good enough

2007-10-10T03:50:00.000-07:00

it seems like nothing is good enough for you
it seems like
yesterday is the goal
tomorrow a ranting nightmare
nagging by the ear
as you sit in the corner anticipating
perhaps a little explosion will set it off
maybe even a little shove
but then
nothing seems good enough for you
not even the decision made
not even the ties cut
which you felt
at the moment
just and satisfactory
it seems like
power goes beyond mind and physical control
to complete take over of the soul
you are the devil
you are the lord
of fears and tears, wealth and revenge
for a moment i felt your warmth
and i thought it was my world
paraded your words
and sang your vows
but nothing seems good enough for you
wanted not a promise
instead a sacrifice

the day i saw actions which justified the rumors, i have to admit it broke me into pieces. i have to admit i hated myself for shedding every single tear i did. it tore me to doubt my concern. because why should i care? when you already did all that you wanted to.
to hurt
to push
to dictate
to kill
the day i saw actions which justified the rumors, the line you drew between me n them could not have gotten any clearer. any sharper, it would have gone right through the earth and we would forever be seperated.
between the damned
and the cursed.

it seems like nothing is good enough for you
nothing
so i gather all the little nothings you've labeled as trash
or unworthy
selfish
waste of time
stupid
ignorent
because i've stopped regretting what i chose
i've stopped
wanting to be a part of your something
when nothing will ever be good enough for you
not when it comes to me
at least

can blood really be thicker than water? when both soaks, both dries, both stains.
so can it?

Catastrophe

2007-10-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

i jumped
in between stained matresses
i rolled
left to right looking for comfort
i jumped among crush meadows
i breathe
in and out searching for peace
then it rained
and rained
and the rivers seemed to gather
it rained
as though earth gave up its role
i trembled
and within me began to shatter
i close my eyes
as if sight was a sinful enemy
i remain blind
perhaps a moment
or maybe more
lost and secure in familiar darkness
i fought
perhaps i thought i did
a battle of fears
versus rejection
i wasnt alone but without a companion
i fought
and endless battle
until it rained
till new seas emerged
it rained
and i was washed away

Great expectations

2007-09-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

how can life sometimes just fold over and get so screwed up?
i blame it on expectations.
knowing very well admitting so would label me selfish and lazy, piggy-backing on convenience. but i no longer seem to care.
as far as im concerned, expectations (on my behalf expecially) has caused me and others nothing but crap. ptuiii. pfffttt. nada. zilch.
so now i am taking a solemn vow of not ever expecting anything from others or even myself.
screw raising the bar higher to gain more
screw aiming high so i won't fall that far off
screw hope
screw everything else that has a glinter of unreliable promises.
and the bitter in me breaks out again.
why am i not surprised?
i now have faith in the now and now
everything happens for a reason.
everything that everyone else has to say or suggest can go to hell.
this is a weird-Grimm brothers-take on Carpe Diem!
Huuuhaaaaa!!

wrong wrong wrong

2007-09-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

is there something wrong with us?
someone said theres something wrong wh her because she keeps falling for idiots who either are never in the right mind to appreciate what they have or are just plain dumb.
is there something wrong with her?
another person told me not to rush (in life) because im still young, have so much more to see and all the things that goes along. but i don't buy it. one generation wants you to step up, do something and prove your worth while another generation tells you to cruise along and enjoy the view. i don't buy any of it. so i find myself being stagnant beyond comprehension.
is there something wrong with me?
my girls have a faithful enemy they conveniently blame on when things turns from bad to just plain shit. when they find themselves crying, screaming, breaking down and just turning plain crazy, fingers automatically point to guys. be it boyfriends, flings, crushes, husbands, fathers, bosses..and the list goes on. its all about the sexists conspiracy we're caught in. no sex will ever be satisfied of the other because lets face it, we don't want to. the thrill lies within that very dispute. so being a male chauvinistic pig will always be a sad previlage guys are born with.
is there something wrong with them?
if only we had the answers to all these. life would be so much simpler. granted, probably not as exciting.
but im done with complications.
i want answers.
and i want them now.

Selamat berpuasa

2007-09-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

when i was younger i loved puasa because it meant having to go to pasar keramat and pick out anything i want.
i was a puny little thing and it probably made my mom pity me so i coud be as greedy as i wanted.
puasa also meant all the nasty hantus and iblis were tied up by chains in some dungeon and could not get anywhere near me.
so no matter what my brother said of hantu susu and hantu kum-kum did not have any effect on me for about 30days.
Now however, i realise that the pasar ramadhan can be so overrated because of the horrible parking and all the pushing and shoving and the impatient people and the abang jual kuih's winking and making sounds (hello people, tak boleh respect bulan ramadhan ke? keep all your gatalness and temper to yourself).
And like it or not, i realise all the syaitan in the universe is not as scary as myself. I can be a real hantu if i want too if i allow myself. the first 14 n half hours of fasting was horrible not because i wanted to eat, drink or sleep the whole day away. but having to puasa meant no cursing, no losing temper unnecessarily and most importantly no turning world upside down with self-created drama.
abdul said "nangis boleh batal puasa"
i stopped immediatley and resumed becoming a sane, understanding girlfriend
funny isn't it?
the things you take for granted on normal days and abuse it
when ramadhan comes you can easily (try at least) to abstain from it.
why is it so difficult to do on any other month?
because we choose not to.
its convenient not to.
This year, i love that its puasa because i still feel safe knowing the hantus are all trapped with no exit into our world.
I can still go to the pasar and go crazy and indulge (despite having to ignore the bodies squashed againts my face & irritating sales technique> "mai mai kuih manis mai untuk kak long manis"
but most of all, i am grateful for the fact that i realise i am capable of being that little bit nicer, that little bit grateful, that little bit calmer, that little bit more religious... that little bit better.
Happy ramadhan fellow muslims
may this month be a blessful one for u.

mogok

2007-09-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

latest update on career path: non-existant.
latest update on social life: pathetic
latest update on love life: mixture of self-raised drama & patience
latest update on family ties: dilemma
latest update on ambition: put on some bloody weight before raya
latest update on impossible things to do: stop cursing

sent in resume to a publishing company.
when requested for some documents, obliged with great haste.
no reply since.
bitter and very angry.
but more annoyed more than anything.
can't help but think that company was only being polite by entertaining my mails.
people should just get straight to the point and say no.
tak nak.
tell me if im not good enough.
of course ill cry and whine and complain but at least i wont hate you for giving me hope then disappearing.
trying to be nice does not equal nice.
when will lady luck get sick of being on strike?
bitterbitterbitter

Guilt post

2007-09-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

Im feeling guilty coz i havent blogged in a month
guilty coz ive been complaining bout not having anything to do when in actual fact i love not doing anything
harharhar
so im blogging bout whatever that happened because at least im doing something....
heh?
whatever
this is random but i love paintball
first time
nervous as hell
addicted to the adrenalin rush
plus the feeling of macho-ness when showing off the bruises
they hurt like a bitch but what doesnt
have also come to terms with my extremely low level of fitness when thighs felt like they were chopped up then glued back together the next morning.
abdul says its because my muscles are breaking up my fats. apparently wont hurt so much if i would do more than move from one couch to another.
it sounds logical enough but you can never know with abdul. might just be his trick to get myself busy and stop bugging him at work.
boooooooo.
tough chance sai.

he gave my arm a bruise and now my siku looks like a rotten ciku
but like i said paintball was very fun i couldnt stop parading my bruises (my nephew said i was as annoying as his classmate showing off his simpsons video clip in his phone)
even the chickens in that area (big ass ones) couldnt take my excitement away from the game. ok so they were fat lazy chickens who didnt (couldn't?) seem to move much.
i hate chickens
and birds
and them things with feathers
because they're gross
but chickens are good when eaten so are birds. burung puyuh.
but anyway yes, i hate being in the same space as featherly things but they couldn't take my joy away from paintball
tralalalalallala

why can't i upload all my paintball pics?
this sux
im going back to not doing anything
and complaining bout it

Finito

2007-09-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

something was ended in someone's life. i failed to see or comprehend the reason thrown around. people were assuming, speculating, insisting and denying. yet what was the truth? maybe the person did not even know. in my opinon (and here's another assumption) life just never turns out they way you want it to. when you do something because you feel that it is expected of you, when you make a decision based on what you think you need at the momment, you're just digging your own space for eternal slumber. i want to say that im talking from experiance but im too much of a chicken shit to do so because that would mean admitting that i regret some things ive done (and hope tht this round the block comment might ccome across as some form of admition. ok ok maybe it was a bad decision but ill deal with it myself thank you very much)
anywayyy..
this is not about me
this is about that person.
who conveniently felt ending something would not effect anyone else.
such careless stupidity.
think about the strained relationships that was brought forward
the burnt memories
the unreasonable anger
the annoying confusion
but most importantly...think about the akward moments.
where do you go from there? between you and what you decided to end/leave/forget.. you are caught together in some twisted sphere and you can't escape because what once was will always stay.
you can forget, but will you ever be able to leave? completely?
and all im saying is
maybe its not such a bad idea to use your brains a fair bit when making decisions such as these. when ending something such as what you had.
dont life (yours and everyone else's arouund you) deserve that much? you get it for free, plus minus some things religion has placed upon you.. but basically you are not paid to live, so don't you think the least you can do is appreciate it buy not completely fucking it up?

but yes
i wish you well
because i don't want to waste my energy or the energy of the ones i love just wondering if you're ok. because i know they do and they will. because they're like that see. they have a heart and brains that function very well. they feel and think. they don't do then leave.
so i wish you well in hopes that we don't ever have to bother about you ever again.
i dont wish you good health because you know, if its time its time. no use fighting over it
i wish you good luck
because karma is known to be a mean bitch

Bored.Bitter.Buntu

2007-08-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

i am very bitter at the moment.
because i woke up one day and went with a gut feeling.
i quit. my job
because it wasn't what i wanted to do. it wasn't my passion. it wasn't fullfilling and all that rubbish to make myself feel better. the guilt was lurking by so i had to come up with an excuse. pronto!
so now im jobless and bumming. wasting my time and money and energy just lugging myself around the house feeling so sorry and depressed with myself.
boredom has somehow taken a liking unto me and has self-declared as my best friend.
yay for me.
bluek.
people whom i shall not name names because might be reading this have been nice enough to ask me questions like "why tak kerje?" and "nak jadi apa ni?" and "buat penat belajar jauh-jauh" to somehow tell me that it disgusts them to see me getting dressed in the morning just to plop myself in front of the tv. i know you're all disgusted i see it in your face when your nose flares and your eyebrows unite. bluekkk
the sight disgusts me as well.
so i began job hunting.. all over again.
sent like gazillion emails to gazillion people with zero replies.
how typical.
"no vacany..but we'll keep your resume for future references" tipuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
all lies. hmphh.
don't say things like future references so you would sound polite and politically correct not knowing that being that way would give me some kinda hope and 3 months down the road when/if (hope not) im still jobless id bombard you wh follow-up emails to see if this time theres vacancy. argh
say je la tak nak. kan senang

i dunno if it was a sign from high above or pure coincidence, when i drove past by pwtc i saw the big-ass billboard. its a newly established publication so i figured i should give it a try.
i did.
got an interview.
got it.
want me to start this monday.
beautiful pay.
perfect post.
not exactly my prefered content tho.
then got another interview.
for the ultimate dream job.
was disappointed by the job scope offered and pay was so terribly lowww (passion or not, perut mesti kena isi)
so now i am teramatlah buntu.
decisions decisions.
melepak susah. dpt kerje pun susah
how now?

Merdeka kerna simpati

2007-08-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

Bulan ini negara ku merdeka. untuk ke lima puluh kalinya. Bulan ini aku kesal. untuk pertama kalinya.

aku ini simpati
dengan diri, bumi, hari
yang dibiar pergi
tanpa janji atau niat yang kukuh
untuk kembali
pada yang asal yang tulen dan yang asli
aku ini simpati
pada setiap generasi
yang dulu gagah membara
yang kini letih terpesong
apa patut aku berdiam diri?
atau berteriak sepenuh hati
walau tahunya aku satu suara tak mungkin kan tenggelam bunyinya trafik
bunyinya musik
bunyinya peluh yang menitih
bunyinya keluh suara yang sangsi
siapa aku diantara seribu yang berharap
adakah duniaku terlalu sibuk mencari rezeki
atau terlalu lalai mencari sebab
mengapa, dimana, siapa, bagaimana?
aku ini simpati
kerna tau namun masih disini
tak beganjak tak berprinsip
takut
gentar
segan
salah itu terlalu besar
terlalu gagah untuk aku tepis begitu saja
berkecai semangat kononnya darah muda
di usik sedikit
teruji setia
mengapa harus begini?
dimana asasnya jati diri?
siapa yang mungkin peduli?
bagaimana harus kami sedari?
kembali lagi
lalai mencari sebab
yang tiada jawapan
yang bersoalkan dalih
aku ini simpati
bertahun darah peluh azamku bercampur mengalir
namun tak setitik pun ku tumpahkan untuk pertiwi
aku ini simpati
pada kami yang meraung
merengek
ingin mendikarikan diri
namun lupa keupayaan sendiri
biar dikata jahil
biar dikata sadist
aku sedar
aku ini simpati
pada diri sendiri
pada bumi
pada generasi ini
jangan salahkan yang diatas
yang memberi
yang menghalang
yang menunjuk
yang kata harus
yang kata haram
salahkan saja yang didalam
yang duduk diam membisu
yang membebel dibalik senyuman
yang benci dibalik huluran
yang patah dibalik keredaan
salahkan saja yang didalam
yang kalau dipandang
terasa bisanya

on a time-lagging lighter note..
Happy Merdeka people!
Happy 50th Malaysia!

splat

2007-07-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

pada hati yang tidak tetap bila seharusnya kekal tetap
ku minta kau dengar
pada minda yang kusut dan tak ingin pulih
ku minta kau tenang
pada jiwa yang hilang dan arahnya sesat
ku minta kau pulang
pada niat yang keruh hitam mendalam
ku minta kau pulih jernih
pada jasa yang datang duduk terhimbun
ku minta kau sabar
pada janji yang terukir pasti
ku minta kau kekal
pada diri yang ragu dalam persoalan
ku minta kau sedia

in a totally unrelated note
ive started work and surprisingly enough for the past 2 weeks i don't feel like pushing anyone out of the window just yet.
i feel the moment coming tho, somehwere around the corner lurking.
anyone might trigger it off
perhaps even the lil monthly visitor i feel creeping closer
if news of a female falling from the 7th floor of menara millenuim hits the morning papers then it is confirmed
i cannot handle stress
tsk tsk
that is why i went through the whole i dont think im ready for this thing with abdul
and he went through the whole you got to be kidding me lecture
and it went on and on for a couple of minutes till he had to give in to the call of nature.
it was left at that
me not ready
he wanting me to grow up
hence the ramblings dalam bahasa melayu
so it would not sound painfully identical to my situation
its amazing how bahasa melayu can sound so beautiful to foreigners' ears
but so forgotten by malays/malaysians themselves
omyfucksakesidunnowhat imshittingabout ineedtogooutandgetfoodandgetairandgetawayfromthestupidpcweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*splat*

holy.damned.forgotten

2007-06-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

in dire times
you seek no one else
you conjure the strength
you curse the neglect
you expect the results
you demand the fairness
but in all honesty
where were you?
during the peace, the pleasure,between the euphoria
amidst the laughter, the joy, when immensed with glee?
in bitter times
you ask
you hope
you trust
you pray
hard
slow
repeatedly
in hopes of being heard
to be noticed
to be saved
but you forget
that you climb so high
you reach so far
not on your own
not by your self
but because you were previlaged
to have been touched
to have once known your faith
at a time been devoted
in dire times
you seek
you ask
you want
but you lack
the truth in your intention
the simple fact in your demand
calls for nothing more
than an appreciation
amongst the holy, the damned and the forgotten
you lost your stand
you lost yourself
in these saddening times
i accept fault
i embrace hurt
i agree on a punishment
not of the heart, body or soul
but of the mind
which corrupts and slains
pure connection
a gift
i evoke your powers
at the sake of my selfish desires
i evoke your forgiveness
as regret from a humble follower

how would you know?

2007-05-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

you won't
until they say it
as they draw the line
and you cross it
looking over
it will be done

i hope not

2007-05-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

i feel the end
but i might be wrong
its my intuition talking
and from experiance
i should not trust it
lied to me before
will lie to me again
could be fear
of something new
something distant
something gone
but who am i to say
as we sit here
beside each other
heart to heart
bodies far apart
i say a silent prayer
a ridiculous attempt to conjure a miracle
for this to pass
just another block
a mirage this stubborn self created
but maybe not
maybe its time to stop
smile
try
cry
die
put it on hold
because i say so
because i deserve this much
a say
just some time
to speak what i feel is needed
not what you think
not what you see
what i want
not hapiness
not our once wild adventures
but time
yours
i feel the end
of a celebration
of a devotion
we need salvation

jam 3pagi

2007-05-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

out of pure boredom, i tried to draw a smiley face on my knee.
round eyes and a stick nose
but my skin didn't accept the smile. i jabbed at my skin a few times till it was red and that its hard jabs since im not exactly fair. but the ink refused to make its mark.
just my luck.
even my knee is unhappy.
i do not know the problem.
and if i do..how would that make a difference?
when your mind is just so exhausted and your body is broken nothing else seems to matter.
what is the problem? maybe the pen is fucked. maybe my body is stubborn. maybe its a conspiracy...... of what cause and proportion, i still have not decided on.
my thoughts are just full of shit at the moment. more so than usual. so it is bad. very bad.
full of excuses. that is why i feel like my life is just rubbish.
so tired at such a young age. what a waste. of my parent's sweat and the country's hopes. The problem with me, and my generation is that we are a recalcitrant lot. that's the word. recalcitrant. we talk and complain and ask for more. forever asking for more. more choice, more freedom, more fun. but we do nothing. most of us at least.
it's not that we don't know how too. we're certainly not lazy. we're just too chicken shit to try. afraid of being disappointed and to disappoint. whatever happened to teen spirit and our raging youths? too busy getting caught up with chemicals and disillusioned excitements. we are so screwed and remain screwing.
and here i am
expressing myself
sounding so philosophical
being all hollier-than-thou
when its all a sham so i can lean on this false purpose.
our stand is bullshit and we know it
but still we never choose to act
why should we? when leading a life of ignorent bliss seems much simpler and easier to handle.
right?

i don't know what is going on but stress could be a main factor
stupid thesis could be another
booo :(

will this?

2007-05-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

i have plunged so far. and i'm going deeper. This is more than i deserve. I'm not afraid. Nor am i prepared. What will break this cherished fall? How will i be put back into one piece when the impact eventually shatters me? when i am soaked with ridiculous bliss?

The flower you gave me died today. a symbol of your devotion surrended itself to the calling of inevitable fate. will our love's fate be as such? i can feel us moving..furthur apart from each other yet our commitment to each other has never been stronger. i now find myself trusting you entirely. or more so than before, for sure. why is this so? the little gestures i was once suffocated with no longer makes its presence, the touches no longer often, the words are painfully few... but the feeling. the feeling is so overwhelming i might not be able to handle such a burden. is this what happens? when you vow to love someone? when you give your heart to him and cannot have it back? the love is strong but i miss the excitement. our contentment with each other has changed the raging river to placid. the love is certain but i miss the chase. the anger and passion now seems like a sinful pleasure. how we take each other for granted is beyond my comprehension. we hold on and stay and tears joins us in our promises....
but nothing ever lasts...
will this?

sakitnya

2007-05-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

in my defense
im not asking for much
perhaps how are you?
is everything ok?
acknowledging that theres something missing here
an effort to point it out
a moment to talk
realising im still here
trusting in my devotion
believing in my heart
thank you
would be nice...

Yeay for creativity!

2007-05-17T00:21:00.000-07:00

i am extremely proud of a few people at the moment
for being able to hold on long enough to their dreams
for following through with their passion
my brother once told me that no matter how mundane or difficult a subject, if dealt with full of passion and determination, miracles are a sure thing
how true
how simple
how beautiful
i admire these people who believe in not only themselves, but the idea that if they persist, if they don't budge, eventually others will begin to see the light and be converted too.
you guys deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated and looked-up upon.
not for the achievement, not for the pride but simply for your faith.
in you
in others
in the society
for the world
the world can be a better, more prettier place
and its people like you, with such an amazing positive attitude that pushes us closer to it all
congrats once again.
may creativity continue to be an unlimited resource for our universe
good luck
you guys rock

yet again

2007-05-16T05:40:00.000-07:00

insomnia has kicked in
yet again
and you question yourself
if its all worth the while, your precious time, this limited space
yet again
you begin to wonder
yet again
if life is all its cracked-up to be
if your mind is in fact not playing tricks, its not a magician you've discovered
it's just plain crazy
all has gone wrong
and you cry
yet again
not having any reason not too
or so you wish, choose to believe
and you let out a long loud sigh
yet again
in hopes that its loud enough to snap you out of this
it might be long enough to drive you insane
and then you'll be tired
of all the angst and the disappointments
and the wondering and the fears
you pray
yet again
for the upteenth time
you pray
and later realise you have dishonoured yourself
when you questioned your intentions
when you simply devoured your doubts
when you hastily forgot your religion
you hold on
yet again
to the hold you have
in god
in miracles
in faith
your faith
you hold strong
then you feel calm and at peace and released of all the bad chi
and you smile to yourself
you look silly you think
you feel dumb you know
for having the soul-breakdown
and allowing your mind to follow suit
and encouraging your body be used
yet again
you feel slumber kicking in
at last
you think
you sense the sky reaching its own morn
but you lay down
you shut everything out
and there is a familiar darkness all around you
its quiet and still
outside on the streets
and inside within you
it is over
and you wait for another eruption
in between your wake
but not now
not now
then you drift off
leaving the thoughts bubbling
till its ready
for another audience
yet again

Pelupa

2007-05-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

a friend can't stop bitching whinning complaining
the situation is too often pushing her to her limits
choices.
she says.
the choices are killing her
choices available
choices needed to be made
needed to settle her nerves and mind
im sure we all have been here. the anger, frustration and inevitable tears we've drenched ourselves with.. because of the opposite sex.
ah relationships
what a terrible term to hear or read
when you've just broke-free from one
the daunting feeling when you've only just agreed to enter one
the illusions you go through when you're in between one
this friend
who i feel for
i doo i doooo
is in such deep shit she's literally talking shit
sometimes
when she tries to make sense outta all this
eat shit. drink shit. sleep shit. live shit.
is her life
currently.
here's the picture: boy A is perfect. boy B is an ass
here's the problem: boy A is too clingy. boy B doesn't give a shit
here's her dilemma: boy A is just always there at her dispose. boy B is not, and the chase is just too beautiful to pass

so what now?
choices
we all hate it.
even when others might see an obvious solution to this situation, love (or maybe infactuation) has conveniently clouded her slate of reasoning.

it's a common social rule.
the more you run, the more you will be chased after.
the more you vanish, the more you are looked for
the more you try, the more you want

so what now?
she wants boy B.
i don't blame her. the whole "if u want my time, call me and ask for it" sounds so challeging and irresistable.
so she's made up her mind. that her mission in life (for now) is to be able to have his time.. and more obviously
even when she knows that boy B chooses to be ignorent to her desperation and desires.
one question she asked
and which will linger
in her mind and mine
is why is he so blind to it all
"bodoh kan?" she asked
why is it that boy A can realise and do whatever it is that makes a girl happy and boy B is stubborn to fold and give in?
is he a coward?
is he childish?
i say he forgets. who he is, where he is, what he needs to do

"melayu kan" i say
"mudah lupa. lupa diri. lupa otak"

whaddya expect?

Kau

2007-05-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

kau datang
muncul lagi
hadir lagi
penuh degil
sungguh benci
aku pada kau
tak dijemput tak di hingin
tapi pasti
kau cari jalan
biar berliku biar susah
kau ketemu
tempat suci bersih
landasan putih lembut
kau punah
dengan hadirnya
dengan kekalnya
merah menyala
pedih tak bertitik
kecil besar sini sana
satu dua tiga
yang pasti ada
kau datang
muncul lagi
kelak hilang
sementara cuma
seketika
pasti kembali
putih pekat
jerawat

pms. bloody pms.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

It's mother's day once again
a day to remind others of their already undying love for the woman who gave them life
a commercial advantage for gifts and the economy
another chance for me to be grateful to have felt and experiance a mother's love
a time for me to appreciate possibilities of perhaps one day becoming a mother myself

this is dedicated to the 3 women in my life, who undeniably, here and there, consciously and subconsciously has become a mother to me

mak,
i love you
for the love you give when i was born
for the love you did not take away while i was growing
for the love i still feel
for the love, even when you are gone, still remains
i often fear the thought of your memory fading with the years
i often cry not knowing if ten years from now your image will still be clear
but more then ever i often smile knowing that the women i have become today is because of you
people say im dramatic like you
people say im fickle-minded and temperamental like you
they say i smile like you
i say i am you. and there is no one in the world i want to be more like
i hope that one day i would be a mother to my child like you have been and will always be to me.
perfect.
happy mother's day mak
i love you everyday.

kekna,
i love you
for the strenght you show and the sacrifices you have made
for the trust and believe you have shown
for the time you gave so i could arrive in my own pace
for the part you took
i realise now how difficult it must have been to be a sister, a mother, a mentor and above all a friend to me
i was a horrible teenager and sometimes i still can be, regardless of the fact that i left teenage hood 5 years ago
after all that has been said and done between us,
between the fights, arguments, tears, scars, jealousy, hatred, hopes, prayers and forgiveness
the one thing you never comprimised was your love for me
my selfish heart has learned so much from you
and i will never forget the time you held me when our lives became dark
you took the responsibility of showing me our lives were over
you took the responsibility to show me ours lives can be renewed
without us realising it, you have become my ground
that little voice i know but refuse to acknowledge
i will still be difficult
i will still be stubborn
i will still hurt you in demanding for my own ways
but one thing i will never do
is replace my love for any other
you are my blood, my heart, my soul.
Happy mother's day kekna
i love you forever.

Mak Ani,
I love you
for taking me into your arms without questions
for making room for me in your home, your life and your heart
for being the coolest aunty even when i know it breaks you to see me and ka growing and rebelling against everything we could think of
for trying so hard to fill the gap and never giving-up
for being and staying even when words and actions betrayed you
for being the calmness in me when everything was in havoc
for being the maturity in me when decisions were difficult
you were the best friend mak ever had
your faithfulness to her, abah and the rest have never been challenged
your devotion to me has always been pure
the irony you bring, in your soft, humble nature
no one can see the strength you give
the hope you push
the love you offer
but it is clear to me, on this day
that the time you brought me in
i did not feel the absence of a mother
i felt the love of a woman, in all that she could ever love
Happy mother's day mak ani
i love you till the end of time

To all the mother's in the world, Happy Mother's day
no matter how screwed-up, anal, selfish, clingy a mother you are
you will always be loved
for the life, time and love you give
you will always have a place in your child's heart

Enough

2007-05-09T02:06:00.000-07:00

im ashamed
to admit that
i don't know
if i love you enough
to trust you with everything that i hold
if the love is sufficient
to let me break and fold
if the pain is too much
for me to return
if the pain is to deep
for me to heal
i don't know
if i want you enough
even when the distance remains
if i would still long for you
even when another casts its shadow
if i need you still
when doubts i call and curse
if i need you till
i decide to stay and i am at peace
i will never know
if you would succeed
and later in return fail me
i don't know
if i love you enough
to let it be
if i love you enough
to put your oaths on a pedastal
if this love is enough
for just you and me

Tangisan

2007-05-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

a friend told me
while holding my friend
with the honest of all honesty in her eyes
that it would be worth it
and if it is of any comfort to me she said
"for every tear a girl drops for a man..he has to answer to it at the end of the day. because weather they like it or not, every man grew, was natured and finally comes out from the womb of a woman"
and for that, he is forever indebted to the woman he loves,
the woman he hurts
the woman he breaks
the woman he is secretly crushing on
the woman he takes on
the woman he leaves
the woman he adores
the woman he admires
the woman he brings down
the woman he challenges
the woman he protects
and not to say that women should cry all the men in their lives a river but perhaps this is a little closure for all women, that its ok to feel stupid when you look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why all the weakness
its ok to let yourself crash and burn
its ok to expose your ego for a bit
its ok to cry for a while
its ok to break down sometimes
even if he may never understand or appreciate why
at least you know
you have tried
you have given it all
and if he still remains ignorent
you know he'll have hell to pay for it all in the end!
muahahahaha (gelak evil heeeeeeee :) )

anyway, another friend sent one of those chain-letters emails thingy..and yes i am a sucker of those and decide to post one of it here.
as a reminder to myself that its ok to break. its ok to fall. because i know its worth it to make him understand

If a girl cries in front of you,
it means that she couldnt take it anymore.
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life
If you let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.
A girl wont cry easily,
Except in front of the person who she loves the most, she becomes weak.
A girl wont cry easily, only when she loves you the most, she puts down her ego.

Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please hold her hands firmly,
She's the one who would stay with youfor the rest of your life.

Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please dont give her up,
Maybe because of your decision, you ruin her life.

When she cries rite in front of you, When she cries because of you,
Look into her eyes, Can u see and feel the pain and hurtshe's feeling?
Think!
Which other girl has cried with puresincerity, In front of you and because of you?
She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not because she wants sympathy orpity,
She cries because crying silently is no longer possible,
The pain, hurt, and agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside.

Guys,Think about it!
If a girl cries her heart out to you, And all because of you,
Its time to look back on what u have done, Only you will know the answer to it.
Do consider it,
Because one day, It may be too late for regrets, It may be too late to say "I'm sorry"

To my friends...Ponder this message seriously.
Dont do this to a girl, You may regret for the rest of your life.
Maybe in your life, She's the only one that love YOU the most.
Remember this lesson.

sighhhhhh... if only...

handle with care

2007-05-06T01:47:00.000-07:00

can u handle knowing what they really mean when they say "it's nothing"
can u accept the fact that their replies are a result of careful filtering
can u agree with the idea that ignorence is bliss
can u understand when things happen beyond your desires
can u allow past connections lingering in your present
can u handle the truth?
i cant
i thought i could
so i did what i thought i should
confrontation
apparently breeds contentment
apparently i failed to see the small prints below
which read "may result in severe irrational emotional breakdown/havoc/eruption"
but whats done is done
or so i thought
and there i go again
jumping on the front seat of the roller coaster
just so my heart would be ripped outta myself once again
then stuffed back in and force to function well once i felt the earth beneath me
what a shame
that someone like me, who id like to think is capable of some sort of rational thinking
can just snap
bend
rip
and burn
all at once
because of a single expectation
expectation for a solution which never existed
even if in some twisted way it was possible
i could not handle the responsibility
of the sacrifice i begged to hold
and the loss i urged leave
and the truth is
knowing it all
i can't handle it
i can't handle the truth
i should've just stayed still and shut-up

jahanam bersama

2007-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

cinta itu menjahanmkan aku dengan indah
sungguh aku cuba
lantas aku tepis
aku bosan
namun aku rujuk lagi
aku punah
kerna aku terima akhirnya
hakikat kata
terjemahan minda
aku ini larut
dengan bayangan, perasaan, kewujudan kamu
cinta itu menjahanamkan aku dengan sempurna
halus, kasar, semua terasa
pedih sentiasa kembali pulih
oleh sentuh dan niat ikhlas
kau, aku, semua
berbeza dan sama
tengkaran suara
marah membara
lahir lagi hangat cinta
cinta kau menjahanamkan aku dengan indah
aku terima dengan rela
tetap aku pertahankan pelik binasanya kisah kasih
aku kekal dengan kita

we keep on breaking our already broken souls, our strained ties, our tired hearts..only to find we're here because what we breathe is love. our love...has sustained us this far. the love you give will never be challenged.
thank you for the surprise
thank you for the promise
thank you for the future i am seeing
i love you abdul jalil

Gusar lagi

2007-04-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

why tomorrow should never come:

1) i do not want to do this stupid essay on what makes news news. what makes news news? whatever journalists says is news makes news. huuhaa!

2) i don't want to see whats her face supervisor to show my draft thesis because she looks like she needs to get some and i dont want her to jump on me.

3) i can't bear the thought of my money in acc decreasing faster than japan's bullet train whooshhhhh

4) one more bitchy remark bout being bored and ill just jump off my 13th floor box

5) weather forecast says melbourne is facing heavy showers & strong winds. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's best you mind your own business

2007-04-13T03:06:00.000-07:00

you see. this is what insomnia does to you
while i was suffering in a battle with slumber
my friend directed me to the site
its an article written for Australian's the age
http://www.theage.com.au/news/business/while-malaysia-fiddles-its-opportunities-are-running-dry/2006/11/14/1163266550487.html?page=fullpage

and the thought of reading some hard-core critique on my country at 2 am would slam me to sleep was such a stupid thing to suggest. instead, i fell into this overwhelming rage immediately after reading its last word of "its not malaysia boleh, its malaysia bodoh (stupid)":
wut the.......?!?!?

ok so i should give this man some credit
but before i do that
lemme release all my anger first

1) who the hell does he think he is? who gives a rats ass if malaysia decides to build "tallest twin towers" in the world just to get recognition. how does that effect you? or your country even? astonished that a country u once thought was inhibited by tree-swingging ppl are now building monstrous steels just as tall as yours?

2) why should u care and go all apeshit with the fact that MY country is arguing bout its economical distribution to its major races? yes. it is a problem. a problem indeed. but its OUR problem. why are you frying your brains trying to figure out why we haven't solved it. Maybe cause its not as easy as you think? or havent you even thought about tht? im not saying you do not have the right to write about all the major difaults malaysia is facing. as a journalist, you have all the freedom to do so (in your case, u prob think you're educating the society?) Have you every tried growing up in Malaysia? what more living there now? lately? we may have not achieved much, we may not follow the crowd by jumping into wars to fight supposed terrorism but how does our actions within our own country effect yours? are u afraid that the towers are too tall then when it falls its debris might pollute your air? are you afraid that the chinese and indians might get fed-up of malaysia and run off to australia as refugees? and afraid that they would take over your economy even more? afriad that their willingness to work after 5pm just forces your lazy ppl to extend their business hours even later? that will be a real problem for u then wouldn't it?

3) and you just have to mention OIL dont you? because why shouldn't you? the whole world is in war because of oil. is it a problem to you that we might not have anything to fall back on for our economy when our oil runs out? are you afriad then that there'll just be an additional country, a few more million people fighting for the oil you guys are after? at least we dont shoot kids just so the land they are playing on becomes ours and we can dig into them to feed ppl already in suits and 4by4s.

maybe its just my love towards my country
maybe its just a pure case of patriotism when you read that your country is being attacked by slandish words but i fail to understand why some people feel that it is right to simply write an article without any thought of how this might seem to a Malaysian themselves. what? did you not think malaysians read the age? or understand english for that matter?
theres a clear and straight line between news reporting and storytelling.
just because u add figures, recent events and statistics in the article does not make it legit what so ever.
while learning journalism i've been told that journalists should never be bias and should never write with their emotions.
but journalists are humans.
your main aim is for your readers.
what is your article doing for the readers?
to read it and go oh poor malaysia, don't know how deep in shit they are?
why dont you enlighten your ppl on your aboriginies matters and how after years of progress and development you still fail to recognize the fact that you took their lands and ignore their pleas to give them a bit of advantage.
why don't you remind your kids how you come from ancestors which were chucked out of brittain, convicts who took up too much space so were shipped off to some island?
that you are so-called developed but have young healthy youths roaming your streets begging for money from asians
what happens when our oil runs out is our problem
think about what happens when your youths gets so comfortable with the idea of begging

before trash-talking bout other countries
have a look at your own first. a good look.
its not perfect either.
what does "aussie aussie aussie, oi oi oi" mean anyway?
a pity your creativity is so limited that you feel its better to belittle others instead.
malaysia should grow up you say?
so should you.

on second thought. no. i would no give this man any credit. i would just like to thank him. for waking me up.
now im aware
no im sure
that you are in fact afraid of us
and tha this would just keep me going
we are better than you
and we will continue doing what we do without giving a shit what you think
because it is of no importance to us.
the most, is it pushes us to work harder, achieve more and not wasting time worrying about other ppl's problems.

Ode to a cert

2007-04-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

to you
who determines my future
with a drop of an ink
a single gesture
a momentary pause
you present
an ultimate recognition
of success
or otherwise failure
excuse my ignorence
or plain stupidity
when i ask
of your rights
of the manner in which you choose
of the pressure you release upon
eager souls
raging minds
broken bodies
how dare you?
create a single path then seperate it futhur
build a hierarchy within an established form of power
where does that leaves us?
but to follow your laws
and dance with your tune
be the sheep that we are
white
many
lost
to you
who shapes an inevitable state
leaves me in such dire
to run
and crawl back
to cry
and shape-up
up and down i go
like a pretty yo-yo
with an ugly intention to go along with it
to you
whom i hope to hold one day
i wish you well
i wish you greatness
i wish you glory
for when you are these
maybe bitterness will turn sweet
the war of you and me
will then be complete

Boo

2007-04-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ohforfucksakes!
does it have to be so goddamn hard to get over the laziness and get off the sometimes questionably small-sized bum??
no wait
get on more like it.. it seems that i have been struck wh a certain kinda plague
that somehow results in a certain form of allergy.. towards work
bah!
does it help that what's her face supervisor decided to email me and enlighten me with the idea that times running out?
no!
does it help that ive got 2 other subjects to complete at the same time?
no!
does it help that my mind has already taken the 12.45 am flight to KL today leaving my body and soul to wonder aimlessly till next thursday?
no!
no no no no!
ok so im probably creating more drama than i should.
but i don't understand whatever happened to my passion for writting?
whatever happened to she who wanted to get a masters so she'd get a higher probability for offers to write so she could write bout what she wants not what stupid editor wants so she could speak for those who needs to be spoken for so she could shamelessly show the truth bout all the unnecessary hierarchy of power and all the shits that follows suit.
booooooooooooooooo
booooo to her who vanished
booooo to her who gave up and became a coward
booooo to her who went hiking and lost her steps
booooo

nadiya & her brain
got on the train
to catch a glimpse of the future
then nadiya fell on her bum
and lost her ground
and her brain came crashing after

booooo

Let's talk

2007-04-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong that you tell someone how you feel? and so what people concieve things differently.. shouldn't there be a plane where things said are exactly the same as things recieved? Manipulation is a harsh word.
and when it was said it slashed right through. i bet even a cold hearted witch would have felt it passing through. What gives one person the right to deem a sentence a result of manipulation? maybe its just what the other party understands, and if it differs slightly from the other who said it, does that make it a manipulation? how about confusion? how different is that?
confusion, manipulation, lies, lies, lies
you know during the argument each debate was a constructed lie
each created to bring the other down lower than u can ever imagine
coz perhaps then an apology might be found somewhere in between the spits and attacks of words.
what a pity.
because i was being sincere
bout the words i said
the sentences i thought u meant
what a pity
when u said its too late
i thought it was just a beginning
i thought once we made it to the other end
we could maybe survive another just as
it's a pity
i said i don't bother
when once i did
i felt like i couldn't be bothered
when for a long time i did
i no longer bother
even though for the longest time i did
i no longer care

3am miracle!

2007-04-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

Cik kak Rozanna
u are da bomb sista!
not only can this missy rap to KRU's fanatik (whoooppsss did i just let tht slip?) & TLC.. she got me outta my misery.
and now theres music to our ears as you read this... literally! heh.
All Hail Rozanna!!!

thank you for helping me yg teramat bodoh dlm hal-hal IT-shit nih.